Thursday, April 5, 2012
How can you not be inspired by such beautiful music. This is why I so love Pinterest! It never stops amazing me the wonderful ideas that I find and the wonderful videos. The internet can be very educational and enlightening. With so much bad to be found....there is ten times that in joy and beauty!
Have a beautiful Thursday! May God bless each and everyone that reads this! :)
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Today is almost unbearable for me! I am so lost without you dear mama! So very lost! If there is anything that I can take from this positive it would be......hold the one's you love as close as you can without breaking them! You cannot have them back once they are gone. Memories are wonderful, but they can never replace holding someones hand and feeling their touch, nor can they replace loving words or the wisdom of a mother nor the love of your mother!
If I would have known that the last time I heard your voice, it would have actually been the last time, I would have told you more times how precious you were to me, how much I valued you and how glad I was that you were in my life and that I was your daughter and how blessed that made me feel more than I did! I would have held you longer and never let you go! I would have not been so upset about the trivial stuff and listened closer to your heart! I did all those things but I still feel as if it wasn't enough! I should have been there at that very moment and I wasn't, I wasn't!!!! I know you forgive me, I know I have to forgive me! That is the part that is causing my very soul to feel such anguish!
You are in my dreams, you are in my prayers and you are in my heart and I miss you so! I miss you so very much! My heart feels as if it will break into a thousand pieces and my head as if it will explode! I cry and I cry and I cry more! Yesterday I cried and I am sure that is what tomorrow hold's. Then as sure as I am that I love you, I am that sure that it will end. There is emptiness and despair, right now I cannot find it in myself to replace those, but I have to.
Many people rely on my strength and although I am without it now, I will find it again, just as I always do. We are strong like that us girls! Just that line makes me smile because you said it along time ago!
This is the letter that goes with you just as does my love! I better make it good! So I just wanted you to know that I will never stop missing you....ever! I will never stop loving you! You have to take your place now to forever be honored in heaven, you got your wings mama, you got your wings, I told you! I told you so! I prayed for you on my knees the very night before you passed, guess my prayer was answered! You have graduated from this place! Now our Father in heaven gets to forever see your loving face! No more sickness no more struggle! I feel you everywhere, I hear your voice, I see your smile, I know you are here! When my time has come and I leave this earth I know that you will be waiting for me at the pearly gates! Don't forget me please!!! And for gosh sakes don't make me wait for you, you know how mad your baby girl gets when she has to wait! It's awful!
I have another angel I do! Now I really have to be on my toes huh! Like I told you hours before you passed! I am OK, you have done your job here, it is finished, it is finished! Blessed be to God!
Go to be with God mama, I will really and truly be OK, it's just going to take me a bit you know! Just give me a bit with that!
I crave to say, “It is finished,” with as few regrets as possible.I have a prayer that I might be able to say this at the end of my life! I can reflect on nothing more tragic than an unfinished life. I thank you for giving me this life, it has been so blessed and so enriched with love!
Sleep well mama, sleep well!
We adore you as we always will! See you soon!
Your loving family!
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
The day you died I kissed your face four times
After you died I held you close to me
I knew it would be the last time I held you for the rest of my life
You were so sick, in so much pain
That is no life
I know you were afraid to die
I hope you have found comfort
Do you remember how I held your hand and lay my head on your shoulder
Even at that moment I couldn't imagine life without you
People talk about broken hearts in songs or movies
Until that moment I had never known a true broken heart
Over and over I thought "How can I live without you?"
I watched you live, I watch you die
Every day I look up at the heavens
I know you're waiting for me
I miss you!
April 3, 2012...Never forgotten!
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
This past year 2011 has come and gone! Last time I posted anything or sat down to write was January 2011. Wow how crazy is that. But really when I honestly sit and look back, no regrets it couldn't have been done any other way. God's plan I guess.And we each have to follow that in our own way.
I have had yet another birthday, they come and go now. I am finally O.K. with that or I am finally becoming O.K. I am confident that next year it will all be an acceptable milestone to reach the age where life takes that turn. You are descending the final stretch in the road, where everything is so much more appreciated and honored then it was 30 or 40 years ago.Where you tend to just stop and appreciate everything and everybody that has touched your life in some way or the other. You learn to accept each moment as a learning experience and an occasion to grow. Something that 40 years ago I couldn't have done. 40 years ago was the time of taking everything for granted, of course there will be another tomorrow, of course or that doesn't or won't effect me, not at all. Today its now different, all so different. I now look at the world through "rose colored glasses" I guess you might say. I now think that it's not how you look at things but how you think of them that counts. It's all so different at this stage in my life. I have a more optimistic outlook on life. Things are changing and I am so much happier because of that. I can now recall very dark moments in my life where I was so pessimistic, so negative. Just another stage I had to go through to bring me to where I am at this given moment.
What I struggle with tremendously is letting go of my children. I remember when I was younger just wanting to have the perfect family, perfect husband and most perfect children imaginable. A reputable and honored desire and dream for any mother. Not rational at all, but I was younger, and the Capricorn is a very driven sign. Striving always for perfection for that need for everything to be just so. To be so called"perfect". I have always attempted to be in control at all times. Not in a bad way but in the sense that I wanted my household to run like a tight ship may we say. Everything has a place and everything is in it's place. Organizational queen. Unfortunately my children saw that and internalized it as well. I tend to beat myself up, I have always beat myself up over my mistakes, the mistakes of others, things that I couldn't control nor change, this behavior no longer has a place with me. I guess as Maya Angelou says, "when you know better, you do better." I now know that at that time in my life, I just didn't know better, I did the best that I could do at that point in my life. Very dark part of my life the, "oh my God I am not a perfect mother part!" It has been the roughest and hardest thing I have had to face in my life I think for me ever....just being able to let go and just be at peace with it. And now some 40 years later or so the peace has come!
Last night I had the opportunity to watch Oprah's Master Class, wonderful and inspiring series, Goldie Hawn was on, I have always just adored her. So intelligent, entertaining with a very playful personality. A favorite of mine and by what I hear is also Goldie Hawn's. An Ancient Myth, the story of Demeter the mother, letting go, and her message to mothers. And as the story goes the abduction of the beautiful Persephone is the reason behind the sweetness of Spring and the bitterness of Winter.One day this little girl of life and laughter, Persephone, was collecting flowers on the plain of Enna when the earth opened beneath her feet. Up from the gap rose Hades, grim God of the Underworld, and abducted her. And only Zeus the all seeing, knew what had happened.
Broken hearted, Demeter wandered the earth, her hair unbound, wailing into the wind, searching for her little daughter until - at last - Zeus told her what had happened.
Now Demeter was angry as well as heart broken! She demonstrated her rage by punishing the earth's inhabitants with fierce cold, bitter winds and an end to all fertility. Unless Persephone was returned, the earth would surely perish.
Finally Herakles the Hero went down to the kingdom of Hades to negotiate the return of Persephone. But, before she was released, the God of the Underworld tricked Persephone into eating six pomegranate seeds - thus she would always be connected to his realm.
For part of the year Persephone must stay in the Underworld and for part of the year she returns to her mother.
When Demeter and her daughter are together, the earth flourishes with vegetation, but, for four months of the year, when Persephone goes back to Hades, the earth is a barren realm.One important lesson from Demeter is not to place all of our life into our children. It's a trap that any mother can fall into, putting her talents of spontaneity, creativity, playfulness, wonder, curiosity, love of story and all that we call imagination into her children - forgetting that these belong also to her own inner child.
When her daughter is abducted, the loss causes Demeter to go into deep depression. A depression in which she ceases to bathe, ceases to eat, disguises her beauty, neglects her daily duties, denies her future and becomes self absorbed, angry, resentful and lost in torrents of incessant weeping.
If we hold on to our children too tightly, if we weave our lives totally around them, we are then at a loss when they mature and become independent. We can suffer very real and very deep pain. Like Demeter, our own inner child has been displaced onto our actual children.If we place all of our eggs into one basket, if a friend grows away from us, if we place all of our love into one partner and that relationship ends, we can be shattered until we realize that what has passed, has passed.We can't go back.
For everything there is a season.
And there is a time for letting go.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Saturday, September 18, 2010
However you say it, you don’t have to say it more than once to make a grandmother melt! You don’t have to look into those sweet little eyes and not say….whatever your little heart desires! (Bad grandma!) It’s OK, it’s good to be bad! Well in this grandma’s book it is! This little guy just does me in! I think he has us all hooked! What do you do in a case like this. I can’t run, can’t hide, I guess I have to just let myself fall head over heels! How do you resist I say.
Oh and don’t you know he has his grandpa oohing and awing…..now that’s bad! Mr Rough and Tough himself broke down into tears. You just don’t think the day will come and then it’s upon you. Your baby is having a baby. Flashbacks, memories, sadness over days gone by. Happiness over happier times when they where in your arms and just that little, Awwww! Sniff, sniff!
Love these 2 people just a little wee bit! Little bitty and a new little bitty. That’s her grandma’s name for her. She loves her some Grandma!
Little Sir Landen has captured the hearts of the Riley household and that is more than fine with us. Cry until your hearts content, make big messes until you can’t make any more, Grandma’s got your covered itty bitty like nationwide…..I’m on your side little man!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Your day has finally arrived! More beautiful than anyone had ever imagined! September 15, 2010, at 5:18 PM you arrived. 5Lbs 9 oz. You are the most perfect baby boy ever. Your mommy is just a little busy loving you up so Mema has to post this one. Happy that she is to do that! Happier that you and your darling mom are healthy, happy and out of all danger. Mema can finally sleep a peaceful night! So here we are your first photos with many more to come! We thank God for you and we thank God for your mother!