You Got Your Wings Mama, You Got Your Wings!!!!

Today is almost unbearable for me! I am so lost without you dear mama! So very lost! If there is anything that I can take from this positive it would be......hold the one's you love as close as you can without breaking them! You cannot have them back once they are gone. Memories are wonderful, but they can never replace holding someones hand and feeling their touch, nor can they replace loving words or the wisdom of a mother nor the love of your mother!
If I would have known that the last time I heard your voice, it would have actually been the last time, I would have told you more times how precious you were to me, how much I valued you and how glad I was that you were in my life and that I was your daughter and how blessed that made me feel more than I did! I would have held you longer and never let you go! I would have not been so upset about the trivial stuff and listened closer to your heart! I did all those things but I still feel as if it wasn't enough! I should have been there at that very moment and I wasn't, I wasn't!!!! I know you forgive me, I know I have to forgive me! That is the part that is causing my very soul to feel such anguish!
You are in my dreams, you are in my prayers and you are in my heart and I miss you so! I miss you so very much! My heart feels as if it will break into a thousand pieces and my head as if it will explode! I cry and I cry and I cry more! Yesterday I cried and I am sure that is what tomorrow hold's. Then as sure as I am that I love you, I am that sure that it will end. There is emptiness and despair, right now I cannot find it in myself to replace those, but I have to. 
Many people rely on my strength and although I am without it now, I will find it again, just as I always do. We are strong like that us girls! Just that line makes me smile because you said it along time ago!
This is the letter that goes with you just as does my love! I better make it good! So I just wanted you to know that I will never stop missing you....ever! I will never stop loving you! You have to take your place now to forever be honored in heaven, you got your wings mama, you got your wings, I told you! I told you so! I prayed for you on my knees the very night before you passed, guess my prayer was answered! You have graduated from this place! Now our Father in heaven gets to forever see your loving face! No more sickness no more struggle! I feel you everywhere, I hear your voice, I see your smile, I know you are here! When my time has come and I leave this earth I know that you will be waiting for me at the pearly gates! Don't forget me please!!! And for gosh sakes don't make me wait for you, you know how mad your baby girl gets when she has to wait! It's awful!
I have another angel I do! Now I really have to be on my toes huh! Like I told you hours before you passed! I am OK, you have done your job here, it is finished, it is finished! Blessed be to God!
Go to be with God mama, I will really and truly be OK, it's just going to take me a bit you know! Just give me a bit with that!
I crave to say, “It is finished,” with as few regrets as possible.I have a prayer that I might be able to say this at the end of my life! I can reflect on nothing more tragic than an unfinished life. I thank you for giving me this life, it has been so blessed and so enriched with love!
Sleep well mama, sleep well! 
We adore you as we always will! See you soon! 
Your loving family!

One Last Goodbye.....

Mom,
The day you died I kissed your face four times
After you died I held you close to me
I knew it would be the last time I held you for the rest of my life
You were so sick, in so much pain
That is no life
I know you were afraid to die
I hope you have found comfort
Do you remember how I held your hand and lay my head on your shoulder
Even at that moment I couldn't imagine life without you
People talk about broken hearts in songs or movies
Until that moment I had never known a true broken heart
Over and over I thought "How can I live without you?"
I watched you live, I watch you die
Every day I look up at the heavens
I know you're waiting for me
I miss you!
April 3, 2012...Never forgotten!

My Wishes For All My Family And Friends In 2011!

 Well it has been an amazing year may I say. Many surprises, a lot of laughter as well as a lot of tears. We have had a birth, our second grandchild, Landen Anthony. How blessed we are. Perfectly heavenly he is, a joy every single day. And to think God chose us to be his grandparents I am overwhelmed with thankfulness!

We have watched people near and dear to us move on to be with God! New friends have been made and old friends have been embraced closer yet to our hearts. I have personally made several people extremely angry and even more happy! LOL! Life moves on. We have all aged another year....booooo! Dear God the wrinkles! Yuc, yuc and more yuc. Well someone in my life has said..... (I am old and I can't remember who), that each wrinkle should be seen as a sign of wisdom and embraced. And when I find that person or remember who it was that said it, I am going to plot their demise. 99.9 % of it has been heavenly. My family I adore, good and bad they are family. Familia......Precious they are. Even when they are often holding tight to their differences in opinions. Each day is a gift and I am so thankful that I have received yet another 365 of them! So to begin the New Year I would like to share some wishes for friends and family for your coming year!


I wish you Health...
So you may enjoy each day in comfort.

I wish you the Love of friends and family...
And Peace within your heart.

I wish you the Beauty of nature...
That you may enjoy the work of God.

I wish you Wisdom to choose priorities...
For those things that really matter in life.

I wish you Generousity so you may share...
All good things that come to you.

I wish you Happiness and Joy...
And Blessings for the New Year.



I wish you the best of everything...
That you so well deserve.

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY!! MAY GOD LOOK DOWN UPON YOU AND BLESS EACH AND EVERY ONE!

Hate Me Now…I Hope You Love Me Later!

But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not therefore: ye are of more value than many sparrows. [Luk 12:7]
Our Greatest Fear is not that We Are Inadequate,
but that We Are
Powerful Beyond Measure...
  It’s not hard to decipher what this post might be about just from the title. We have been having a vey rough time with our teen son, Mat. The baby in the family and showing it in every way. Not spoiled but just most of the time I would imagine! Not really very funny now that all hell has broke loose in our household. Mainly caused by this one little terror causing individual which I will so lovingly call, Mat!
  It’s amazing the extremes that one child who's being rebellious will go through in order to gain control of any given situation. There is screaming, cursing, displays of anger, more cursing, throwing, slamming, stomping, spitting and cursing, you are getting the cursing here right! That seems at this point a very large issue. At some points I am not sure if I have ever heard the F word used in as many combinations ever before as this child can use it in just one single sentence.
  “You are the meanest mother there ever was!” “”I hate you!” What makes individuals say these words to the ones they love the most? I guess sometimes we speak out of anger, but aren’t the most hurtful words spoken then? Thank God a mothers love is un touchable and unwavering.The longest moment in time I think is when you actually stop and think before you speak. You want to just blurt something awful out but something in your conscious says, that's just wrong, now wait a moment here. Speaking out of anger destroys the soul and the spirit. I will never say that I haven’t blurted out words that I haven’t then said, “oh my God did that just come out of my mouth?” Then later I would apologize because I know how absolutely hurtful I was being to another human being. I am not perfect, I will never be, I am human!!! I am not a perfect parent, but I am a good parent.
  You may hate me now Mat, but I sure hope you love me later. Our life is about choices. If you can make the choice to do wrong, you are also capable of making the choice to do that much good and more, not only for yourself but for others! If you can choose to disrespect me as your parent, I hope that one day you choose to respect me once again! Tough love is very hard and at times I think it is almost unbearable on a parents heart. But even worse I think, is watching a child that you would give your last breath to save, self destruct! As a mother I have questioned myself and my motives at times but I know it is what I have to do to get you to be the best individual you can be, and in that case I can stand just a little hatred. Someday you may stand in my shoes and I hope you will make the same choices that I have made, to do whatever it takes in one given moment to show your child what unconditional love really is!

"But somewhere along the line you changed you stopped being you you let people stick a finger in your face and tell you your no good and when things got hard you started looking for something to blame, like a big shadow. Let me tell you something you already know, The world aint all sunshine and rainbows its a very mean and nasty place and I dont care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it “You me or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life but it ain’t about how hard your hit, its about how hard you can get hit and keep movin forward, how much you can take and keep movin forward,thats how wining will start!"

COWARDS DO THAT AND THAT AIN'T YOU, YOUR BETTER THAN THAT! YOU ARE.....POWERFUL BEYOND MEASURE! MAKE A CHANGE...MAKE A STAND! MAKE A YOU THAT COMPARES TO NO OTHER! BE PROUD OF THE LIFE YOU ARE CREATING! NOTHING CAN STOP YOU OR WHAT YOU ARE CAPABLE OF....NOTHING EXCEPT FOR YOU! BE GREAT MATT, BE POWERFUL BEYOND MEASURE!

I Know You By Heart….Hospice Is In The House!!!

One of my favorite songs, very fitting for the occasion I would say…..
Midnights in Winter
The glowing fire
Lights up your face in orange and gold.
I see your sweet smile
Shine through the darkness
It's line is etched in my memory.
So I'd know you by heart.
Mornings in April
Sharing our secrets
We'd walk until the morning was gone.
We were like children
Laughing for hours
The joy you gave me lives on and on.
‘Cause I know you by heart.
I still hear your voice
On warm Summer nights
 
Whispering like the wind.
(Oh oh ohh…)
You left in Autumn
The leaves were turning
I walked down roads of orange and gold.
I saw your sweet smile
I heard your laughter
You're still here beside me every day.
‘Cause I know you by heart,
‘Cause I know you by hear
YOUR STILL HERE BESIDE ME EVERY DAY. ‘CAUSE I KNOW YOU BY HEART!!! I see your sweet smile shine through the darkness, it’s line is etched in my memory. I remember everything always! Always. I know your sweet smile,  know your sweet face because every time I look in the mirror it looks right back at me, every time. Thank you for giving me life, thank you for giving me those few words…”no more!” It helped me to find some peace.
Out of the mouth of babes my daughter says, Mom why are you crying, if you know what you are doing is the right thing to do, if Grandma will not suffer anymore ever, doesn’t that make you happy? I guess it should! So why do we cry I ask? I did ask her why she would cry if it was my time…no answer. Because loss and the thought of finality are devastating and beyond human comprehension. It’s the whole heart, mind, spirit and soul connection. It’s not only your heart that is crushed it is your whole being.
We tried, but it failed so what would you like us to do from here? Well I would like it if you would make it the way it was right before this nightmare all started, how about that? OK guess not. IT ALL FAILED so what do we do, she can’t swallow, so she can’t survive and she is struggling but holding on without the vent…so where do we go from here? Do you want hospice? Oh my God no… that means that it’s over with! Oh no…..we let her go! I do what I hope she would have done for me, what I hope someday my family will do for me….let me go!
Dr says you do realize that she will expire without any further efforts to sustain her life? How I wish I didn’t know that. Sometimes it’s worse to know then to not know I think. Dr says I am very sorry for you loss. I said I lost her days ago!
God has bigger plans than we do I think and now he just needs her more than I do, so he’s borrowing her I guess. I sure hope someday he gives her back. I believe that we will all find one another in the place that we are going. We may not know one another by physical appearance but we will know one another because our hearts will allow us to do so. That is just my belief.
Man how this life flies, where does it go to? Just when your having fun…puff it’s over….it’s gone! That quick. As you get older, days seem like minutes. Years are like weeks. So much to hold onto I guess. Do we ever actually take the time to hold fast to what we really should be those that we care for so dearly. Do we allow it to slip from our fingers like sand? Have you ever really watched an hourglass? Just like life when the last grain falls, as in life your time is gone. Only difference is, we can’t turn it over, life that is. Funny as hell how you think about life so deeply when impending death is at your doorway or within your path. Been there and done that several times now and it is scary as hell it is! Just as this is. So I think this saga is done my friends. Our fight is finally done!

Where There Is Great Love There Are Always Miracles! (Update on Mom!)

Sometimes what we least expect becomes the unexpected! We are now waiting on a miracle. Sometimes a sign of life comes in a simple grasp. A breath that shouldn't have been, or just something you never expected. I really in my mind expected my mother to just leave this earth without her dear sweet daughter grasping on to little signs of life. I expected nature to just take its course and just happen.Well then we all know there is the unexpected feelings that we all feel when that time comes. I cant bring myself to say…STOP!

Do Doctors know, do we know, of course not! Only our sweet Lord has that ability. When he says that’s it, then, that’s it! I guess it’s all in his time not ours. So many decisions, so many I wish I never had to make, ever! No pain, no suffering that is all I wish. How do you determine if something hurts if you are not in that body yourself? How do you determine if they are still in there…somewhere. Well I’m hanging on to something as simple as what I thought was the grasp of my hand.

Today is Vent weaning day! 2 days ago we failed miserably. I just couldn’t say pull it that’s enough! I just couldn’t. I’m not sure now that I can ever. WHERE THERE IS GREAT LOVE THERE ARE ALWAYS MIRACLES! I can’t seem to get that out of my mind. What if I say stop and what if I don’t fight like she is, what if it’s not time yet, what if God’s not ready for her yet? I guess we will see.Life is so full of what ifs.  It’s a wait and see game I guess. If it’s her time she will go no matter how many heroic efforts are made. She is strong enough to hit people and to yank out tubes, she knows she doesn’t want those things, well that’s what my sis says. And she is my hero and she knows it all, really she does. She is much smarter than I will ever be. She is my rock especially right now. Need some great advice ask my Sara! Because your OLDER sister is always wiser and smarter than you.

Days maybe hours…my a$$! They have no idea it’s like predicting the weather they only know what hey know and that’s not a lot. When did we get so great at doing God’s job?..we haven’t yet! Never will!  Maybe I’ll just leave it to him. I leave a lot to him.
I had to speak to 2 Doctors 2 days ago and the amount is growing. It’s amazing with all the specialist there are, that none of them know more than what they see on a picture, well pictures say a thousand words in an artists view. Huh she will prove you all wrong I think! I hope! Time, it’s all about time. So let’s see how Vent day goes. I have seen a hundred cases where you thought it was someones time and you were oh so wrong. Lord prove me wrong!

Please Lord don’t ever let me be the kind of nurse that takes someone's hand and drops it on their head repeatedly and first says, what am I doing Linda? Well hell she’s lethargic and has a vent where would you expect that answer to come from? Let’s see….Secondly if someone has severe swelling in their brain…do you think they may have a LITTLE head ache? Hum…let’s see. All that education and no common sense. If someone’s thrashing about on their bed do you think you should look in the room turn around and leave or do you think you would help? Maybe check it out? If you hear an alarm do you listen then walk away or do you act? These are pretty intense questions, I will give you a moment to answer. Shouldn’t have been hard a all. Most folks would  at least give it a shot, not our fine medical staff.

Everyone hurries away from our precious human lives as if they are nothing more than things. When this old world ends I really hope I can say that I stopped along the way to hold a hand when it was needed, or said a few words that made someone feel better inside. I hope I can say I didn’t hurry by someone in need ever. My philosophy is no one dies alone! I can’t stand the mere thought of that! It makes me cringe. I think with all the money they spend on stupid things they really need to research death and dying. I attended a really great workshop one time on the subject. Really helps me a lot now. My decisions are different than they were way back when. Hospice is an awesome organization and their business is just that…death and dying. Haven’t really thought about that whole thing a lot just yet.
Time will tell.

My favorite song by John Mayer Is Say…
Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems,
Better put 'em in quotations
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you'd be better off instead,
If you could only . . .
Say what you need to say
Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You'd better know that in the end
Its better to say too much
Then never say what you need to say again
Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open
Say what you need to say!!!!

Irish Blessing From Our Home To Yours...Happy New Year From Cottage Dreams!

May love and laughter light your days,
and warm your heart and home.
May good and faithful friends be yours
wherever you may roam.
May peace and plenty bless your world
with joy that long endures.
May all life's passing seasons
bring the best to you and yours!

Let It Snow..Let It Snow..Let It Snow!

I adore the snow! Yes I am a snow lover. I don't care how much we get at all as a matter a fact I demand more! I would be happy to be snowed in, for all thats worth. Here in Pennsylvania it either snows really alot then it all melts or it looks as if we may get 3 feet and we get something that resembles a dusting of snow or lately we have been getting NOTHING at all! It started yesterday and has just kept coming over night. Not a lot just here and there. My hubby has been growling for 3 weeks or so about the snow blower we purchased and have not yet been able to use. Sorry for that Mr. Cottage Dreams. Hey maybe your dreams will soon come true. Well if we keep our fingers crossed we may, just may be skiing and snowboarding our way into the New Year. Can't wait for that! So until that really big snow arrives, keep warm, stay away from sick people (the nurse in me) and for goodness sakes WEAR A HAT! (Thats the old person and mother in me) Go out and build a snowman, find that perfect tree, throw snowballs or just take a walk in the snow. Shoo, go now, don't waste another moment. The clocks a ticking. Soon winter and another year will be gone. Have a simply wonderful week, with NO stress. If you are having it you are doing something wrong….so get rid of it! Family is all that matters, nothing else!

Where Has Alll The Time Gone?

Where has all the time gone. Last I remember you 2 were little baby girls. Pink blankets and bows. Brushing your hair and reading you stories. Look at you both. It doesn't even surprise me that you would ever become so close. The bonds of family are strong. The bond of sisters is for always. When we have long gone from this earth you will always have each other.
Barbara Alpert says it well: She is your mirror, shining back at you with a world of possibilities. She is your witness, who sees you at your worst and best, and loves you anyway. She is your partner in crime, your midnight companion, someone who knows when you are smiling, even in the dark. She is your teacher, your defense attorney, your personal press agent, even your shrink. Some days, she's the reason you wish you were an only child. ~Barbara Alpert

Sad, Sad Sunday

Today is a very sad day in the Riley house. Our poor kitty had to be put down. He was 13 years old and graying just as we are. He saw his share of ups and downs but today was the end of all that. How very sad for our home to be missing one of our best friends. How lonesome to come home and not ever be able to have him meet me and greet me as I arrive. He did not meet a nice end but a terrible accident. We will forever miss our sneakers and forever remember his companionship for all these years. We will never forget you our sweet, sweet friend!

 

My Babies In Miami

I am so proud of my baby girl. What a place to stay. I think I could probably be forced to spend a few nights here myself…maybe.  Mercedes better be treating my girl good, she sure deserves it. She has worked so hard to get this. She’ll be home soon and I can’t wait to here all the stories. Missing you very much Jay Bug.

Best Chocolate Chips Ever!

Thick and Chewy Chocolate Chip Cookies

adapted from America's Test Kitchen

Ingredients:
2 cups plus 2 Tbsp all-purpose flour
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
12 Tbsp (1 1/2 sticks) unsalted butter, melted & cooled until warm
1 c brown sugar, packed
1/2 c granulated sugar
1 large egg plus 1 yolk
2 tsp vanilla extract
1 1/2 cups semisweet chocolate chips
Directions:
-Adjust oven racks to upper & lower -middle positions & heat oven to 325. Line cookie sheets with parchment paper.
-Whisk dry ingredients together; set aside.
-With electric mixer, or by hand, mix butter & sugars until thoroughly combined.
-Beat in egg, yolk and vanilla until combined.
-Add dry ingredients & beat at low speed just until combined. Stir in chips.
-Roll scant 1/2 cup dough into ball. Holding dough ball in fingertips of both hands, pull into 2 equal halves. Rotate halves 90 degrees and, with jagged surfaces facing up, place formed dough onto cookie sheet, leaving ample room between each ball.
-Bake, reversing position of cookie sheets halfway through baking, until cookies are light golden brown and outer edges start to harden yet centers are still soft & puffy (about 17 minutes in my oven).
-Cool cookies on sheets until able to lift without breaking and place on wire rack to cool.
Makes about 24 give or take how much batter you eat before they get in the oven!

Source: Good Things Catered

My Little Mercedes Girl...I Always Knew

I call home last night after receiving a message that said, I really have to tell you something mom, from my youngest. Call home on your break as soon as possible. I'm a nurse now come on. I don't have breaks I have quick sits. Not to be mistaken with a real break where you sit and put your feet up and go aw, that feels so good. Our buts hit the chair and there someone stands before you, so and so needs pain medication, such and such wants to talk to you, and on and on. NO BREAK, its over. So back to my story, I finally call home and no one answers. Oh my. Then the news. My baby girl is now a model for Mercedes Benz. YES, did I say...YES. She has a year contract and I am just glowing with pride. The car is awesome. Have you ever said to your kid....hey honey can I borrow the Benz. Heated seats, neck warmers, leather and just as gorgeous as her. She is truly where she belongs. Best of luck to my baby girl. Just remember, momma always knew you were the most gorgeous girl ever. I guess my secrets out. I am so happy and just so proud. Show off that smile it's beautiful. But throw on some clothes per your father.