Friday, January 8, 2010

Where There Is Great Love There Are Always Miracles! (Update on Mom!)

Sometimes what we least expect becomes the unexpected! We are now waiting on a miracle. Sometimes a sign of life comes in a simple grasp. A breath that shouldn't have been, or just something you never expected. I really in my mind expected my mother to just leave this earth without her dear sweet daughter grasping on to little signs of life. I expected nature to just take its course and just happen.Well then we all know there is the unexpected feelings that we all feel when that time comes. I cant bring myself to say…STOP!

Do Doctors know, do we know, of course not! Only our sweet Lord has that ability. When he says that’s it, then, that’s it! I guess it’s all in his time not ours. So many decisions, so many I wish I never had to make, ever! No pain, no suffering that is all I wish. How do you determine if something hurts if you are not in that body yourself? How do you determine if they are still in there…somewhere. Well I’m hanging on to something as simple as what I thought was the grasp of my hand.

Today is Vent weaning day! 2 days ago we failed miserably. I just couldn’t say pull it that’s enough! I just couldn’t. I’m not sure now that I can ever. WHERE THERE IS GREAT LOVE THERE ARE ALWAYS MIRACLES! I can’t seem to get that out of my mind. What if I say stop and what if I don’t fight like she is, what if it’s not time yet, what if God’s not ready for her yet? I guess we will see.Life is so full of what ifs.  It’s a wait and see game I guess. If it’s her time she will go no matter how many heroic efforts are made. She is strong enough to hit people and to yank out tubes, she knows she doesn’t want those things, well that’s what my sis says. And she is my hero and she knows it all, really she does. She is much smarter than I will ever be. She is my rock especially right now. Need some great advice ask my Sara! Because your OLDER sister is always wiser and smarter than you.

Days maybe hours…my a$$! They have no idea it’s like predicting the weather they only know what hey know and that’s not a lot. When did we get so great at doing God’s job?..we haven’t yet! Never will!  Maybe I’ll just leave it to him. I leave a lot to him.
I had to speak to 2 Doctors 2 days ago and the amount is growing. It’s amazing with all the specialist there are, that none of them know more than what they see on a picture, well pictures say a thousand words in an artists view. Huh she will prove you all wrong I think! I hope! Time, it’s all about time. So let’s see how Vent day goes. I have seen a hundred cases where you thought it was someones time and you were oh so wrong. Lord prove me wrong!

Please Lord don’t ever let me be the kind of nurse that takes someone's hand and drops it on their head repeatedly and first says, what am I doing Linda? Well hell she’s lethargic and has a vent where would you expect that answer to come from? Let’s see….Secondly if someone has severe swelling in their brain…do you think they may have a LITTLE head ache? Hum…let’s see. All that education and no common sense. If someone’s thrashing about on their bed do you think you should look in the room turn around and leave or do you think you would help? Maybe check it out? If you hear an alarm do you listen then walk away or do you act? These are pretty intense questions, I will give you a moment to answer. Shouldn’t have been hard a all. Most folks would  at least give it a shot, not our fine medical staff.

Everyone hurries away from our precious human lives as if they are nothing more than things. When this old world ends I really hope I can say that I stopped along the way to hold a hand when it was needed, or said a few words that made someone feel better inside. I hope I can say I didn’t hurry by someone in need ever. My philosophy is no one dies alone! I can’t stand the mere thought of that! It makes me cringe. I think with all the money they spend on stupid things they really need to research death and dying. I attended a really great workshop one time on the subject. Really helps me a lot now. My decisions are different than they were way back when. Hospice is an awesome organization and their business is just that…death and dying. Haven’t really thought about that whole thing a lot just yet.
Time will tell.

My favorite song by John Mayer Is Say…
Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems,
Better put 'em in quotations

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you'd be better off instead,
If you could only . . .

Say what you need to say
Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You'd better know that in the end
Its better to say too much
Then never say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

Say what you need to say!!!!

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