Saturday, September 18, 2010

Grandma…Nana..Mema!

However you say it, you don’t have to say it more than once to make a grandmother melt! You don’t have to look into those sweet little eyes and not say….whatever your little heart desires! (Bad grandma!) It’s OK, it’s good to be bad! Well in this grandma’s book it is! This little guy just does me in! I think he has us all hooked!IMG_1802 What do you do in a case like this. I can’t run, can’t hide, I guess I have to just let myself fall head over heels! How do you resist I say.

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Oh and don’t you know he has his grandpa oohing and awing…..now that’s bad! Mr Rough and Tough himself broke down into tears. You just don’t think the day will come and then it’s upon you. Your baby is having a baby. Flashbacks, memories, sadness over days gone by. Happiness over happier times when they where in your arms and just that little, Awwww! Sniff, sniff!

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Love these 2 people just a little wee bit! Little bitty and a new little bitty. That’s her grandma’s name for her. She loves her some Grandma!

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IMG_1915 Little Sir Landen has captured the hearts of the Riley household and that is more than fine with us. Cry until your hearts content, make big messes until you can’t make any more, Grandma’s got your covered itty bitty like nationwide…..I’m on your side little man!

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Sir Landen Anthony Has Arrived!

Your day has finally arrived! More beautiful than anyone had ever imagined! September 15, 2010, at 5:18 PM you arrived. 5Lbs 9 oz. You are the most perfect baby boy ever. Your mommy is just a little busy loving you up so Mema has to post this one. Happy that she is to do that! Happier that you and your darling mom are healthy, happy and out of all danger. Mema can finally sleep a peaceful night! So here we are your first photos with many more to come! We thank God for you and we thank God for your mother!

Friday, August 27, 2010

Hate Me Now…I Hope You Love Me Later!

But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not therefore: ye are of more value than many sparrows. [Luk 12:7]
Our Greatest Fear is not that We Are Inadequate,
but that We Are
Powerful Beyond Measure...
  It’s not hard to decipher what this post might be about just from the title. We have been having a vey rough time with our teen son, Mat. The baby in the family and showing it in every way. Not spoiled but just most of the time I would imagine! Not really very funny now that all hell has broke loose in our household. Mainly caused by this one little terror causing individual which I will so lovingly call, Mat!
  It’s amazing the extremes that one child who's being rebellious will go through in order to gain control of any given situation. There is screaming, cursing, displays of anger, more cursing, throwing, slamming, stomping, spitting and cursing, you are getting the cursing here right! That seems at this point a very large issue. At some points I am not sure if I have ever heard the F word used in as many combinations ever before as this child can use it in just one single sentence.
  “You are the meanest mother there ever was!” “”I hate you!” What makes individuals say these words to the ones they love the most? I guess sometimes we speak out of anger, but aren’t the most hurtful words spoken then? Thank God a mothers love is un touchable and unwavering.The longest moment in time I think is when you actually stop and think before you speak. You want to just blurt something awful out but something in your conscious says, that's just wrong, now wait a moment here. Speaking out of anger destroys the soul and the spirit. I will never say that I haven’t blurted out words that I haven’t then said, “oh my God did that just come out of my mouth?” Then later I would apologize because I know how absolutely hurtful I was being to another human being. I am not perfect, I will never be, I am human!!! I am not a perfect parent, but I am a good parent.
  You may hate me now Mat, but I sure hope you love me later. Our life is about choices. If you can make the choice to do wrong, you are also capable of making the choice to do that much good and more, not only for yourself but for others! If you can choose to disrespect me as your parent, I hope that one day you choose to respect me once again! Tough love is very hard and at times I think it is almost unbearable on a parents heart. But even worse I think, is watching a child that you would give your last breath to save, self destruct! As a mother I have questioned myself and my motives at times but I know it is what I have to do to get you to be the best individual you can be, and in that case I can stand just a little hatred. Someday you may stand in my shoes and I hope you will make the same choices that I have made, to do whatever it takes in one given moment to show your child what unconditional love really is!

"But somewhere along the line you changed you stopped being you you let people stick a finger in your face and tell you your no good and when things got hard you started looking for something to blame, like a big shadow. Let me tell you something you already know, The world aint all sunshine and rainbows its a very mean and nasty place and I dont care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it “You me or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life but it ain’t about how hard your hit, its about how hard you can get hit and keep movin forward, how much you can take and keep movin forward,thats how wining will start!"

COWARDS DO THAT AND THAT AIN'T YOU, YOUR BETTER THAN THAT! YOU ARE.....POWERFUL BEYOND MEASURE! MAKE A CHANGE...MAKE A STAND! MAKE A YOU THAT COMPARES TO NO OTHER! BE PROUD OF THE LIFE YOU ARE CREATING! NOTHING CAN STOP YOU OR WHAT YOU ARE CAPABLE OF....NOTHING EXCEPT FOR YOU! BE GREAT MATT, BE POWERFUL BEYOND MEASURE!

Saturday, July 10, 2010

A Little Sanity For My Sometimes Insane Little World! How Fitting!

Quote of the Day:
Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both.
--Oscar Fingall O’Flahertie Wills Wilde

What To Do When Your Baby Is Having A Baby!

Panic! That is what you do! Well it’s what I have been doing! I have not posted a single post since Mother’s Day. I have been focused on Momma and baby. It’s all I see and all I know at this very moment. Well then I have also been enjoying my family and not blogging so much! Life is so very short and I think I loose to much when I am focused on posting and not on my priority...Family! So family it is! But this is something so near and dear to me. I had my reservations at first they are very young, but God has a plan! It has always been in his hands as it is now. I believe and have faith it will all come to be as it will be. Here they are momma, daddy and baby! So beautiful to me.IMG_1341 Many things really were wearing hard on my heart about this whole situation at first, let me count the ways. I was angry, furious, upset, hurt, etc, etc, etc. I thought and I prayed and I thought and I prayed. The thoughts are what got me in the most trouble so I prayed again! Then there was this:IMG_1332
And this:IMG_1335
And finally this:IMG_1355
Then I think I felt overcome with the fact that my baby is having a baby and I just couldn’t have ever really liked the fact that she just wasn’t MY LITTLE GIRL any more. She just may be his! I really hate that I have to ever let my children go …but I do! There is something that a mother feels when they are about to leave the nest…empty and lost! She’s my 2nd best friend, how do I loose her now? So many things raced through my mind. Now I am just OK I guess with it. I have to be I don’t have a choice. And I am just going to be OK because she will always be my baby first!

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Happy Mothers Day To All!



Mothering, the most rewarding and wonderful jobs of all. 5 children and 29 years later since I first became a mom, I can truly say I have been blessed thousands of times over. I have also endured many tears and many heartbreaks as well. All part of being a mother. So many times we take for granted the time that we have and do not stop to just reflect on how blessed we are. As in all of life are greatest treasures are, our children.Our next greatest treasure is the honor of being called...Mother! God bless each mother on this day and always. May you find the strength you need to always find the humor in every crisis situation and the creativity that bubbles over from the scribbling little human being standing before you with marker in hand and a beautiful beaming piece of art...on your newly painted wall. Laugh mothers, there just isn't enough time for anything else. Before you know it, your baby's having a baby. Keep every moment precious as every child is precious. Just enjoy being called....Mother! Enjoy the video...I did! Taylor Swift ...Best Day with lyrics

Thursday, February 25, 2010

A Few Lessons More I Have Learned In This Life...For The Loves Of My Life...My Children!

(1) Never, ever give up!
You just never know what’s around the corner. Sometimes, but not always, it can be just what you may never have expected something that leaves you singing praises to God! Something that you know only God himself could have done and no one else. At times it may not always be this way but you must know that also comes with a purpose, if only to teach us to be stronger and tougher. You sometimes have to stand back and just wait for the purpose to be revealed and it will, but your heart has to be open as well as your mind! You can not learn if you are not open minded.
(2) Expect The Unexpected!
When you think that you know just what life is going to throw you and you have it all figured out, something else comes your way totally unexpected.It catches you off guard and it throws you on your a$$.I think it’s Gods little way of saying, hey now, your not dead yet, stop getting so set in your ways, let’s go, there is a lot more to be done here! At times this unexpected event can be something that again makes you question God’s plan, do not! It’s his plan not yours, remember that! Keep it sacred, your going to need it!
Stay with me here keep reading!
(3) We Never Stop Learning, Never!
Never be a know it all, your not! On this beautiful planet called earth, there is no one that knows it all from the very brightest of scientists to the discovered genius's of our times, we will never know it all. Only God himself in heaven is all knowing we must learn this. Our elders have so much to teach us but we must be willing to learn from them. The wisest beings ever known, learned not alone but from others. We must always be open to learning something new. This great concept is what makes us wise as we grow older.
(4) At Times Choose The Not So Traveled Path!
It may be just that, the not so traveled path and others may try to persuade you against it, but choose it anyways. Not always will you follow but have to make the choice to lead, you will know in your heart which is the right path because your heart always, always knows! This is why God, in his ever so awesome design, gave us this organ to work together with our mind as one. Choose it no matter the consequences, if you know that it is right and just and do not falter. Do not waiver from your path.You may have to guide your way around some obstacles but that’s all in the learning it teaches you to be willing to change and give just a little and to still accomplish your goals.
(5) Never Let Anyone Tell You That You Can’t!
You can and you know that, so don’t let someone else tell you that it is impossible (yes that is another lesson, NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE, NOTHING!) It may take everything you have and at times you may thing you don’t have what it takes, you do! Don’t ever fall prey to defeat! Always give it your all, especially if it is your dream. The light bulb wasn’t invented in hours and we didn’t put a man on the moon in days and yes people said, “it was impossible!”….how do you like me now! That is what you say when you accomplish your dreams and leave everyone else standing there in heir own dust! Because there is nothing that can’t be done! It takes hard work and perseverance! You can’t stop in the middle, you must see it through till the end. How can you see the end if there is no beginning I ask?
(6) When Life Knocks You Down, Get Back Up!
When you try your hardest and give it your all and life knocks you down, stand back up brush yourself off and keep on going! Laugh your way through it, it’s just that, something to laugh about, don’t let things get you down, let them make you smile, no matter how bad they are, you are just learning, you are on your path and you are giving it your all, what could be bad? Bad is a thought we ourselves create out of a learning and living experience.If it was supposed to be all good all the time, we apparently stepped off the bus at the wrong stop and you may have to get back on and get off somewhere else, not sure where that may be.This is life and I’m sure where I’ve been standing for over 45 years, it darn straight hasn’t been easy!
(7) Nothing Is A Panic Situation!
Panic is a label we assign to any given time in our life where we are weak and just are not focused enough to be able to stop and think before we act. A moment of weakness of which I have had many! I tend to have been one who has had many moments of panic in my life. Life has taught me that there is no time for this shit, no time at all! As I age and through the love and help of those that love me so dearly, I am overcoming this weakness that I have. Because yes I am still learning myself! And yes I do still at times panic! Panic has no purpose when you consider the outcome. Nothing gets accomplished at all and anything can happen usually none of which is good. So stop and think it through if you only have seconds or minutes it may save you a lifetime of grief! No situation or great idea has ever formed out of panic. Exercise control. Your children are watching and so is everyone else.
(8) Family Is all We Have Our Most Priceless Treasure
When all is said and done there are no humans on this earth more important than these ones. No friend, no boyfriend, NOBODY! The ones that ride the storm right at your side are the ones you call your family. I’m not saying that your family is always comprised of just blood relatives because it may not be, and often is not. It is the ones that have proven themselves over and over again no matter what the cost to them but merely out of their love for you. You will always know these people. They do not just appear this way they are this way. Family will disagree with you, if they know you are going to harm yourself, no matter the cost, but merely out of love they will tell you like it is( in the great wisdom of my Aunt), God designed it this way. But family is family and families should always be our love, our strength, or support, and our rock when we are facing a storm. There should be nothing but kindness, love and mercy when it comes to the ones we love. In the same light they must prove themselves as being these things over and over again. Honest, trustworthy, unfailing, giving, loving, forgiving and supporting. These are the ones that make up our families and family members change, they come and they go but they always return when they are true!
Some of these things I may tell you, you already know, some you may have not thought of in this light. If you already know then God has blessed you and you are on the path! Some you may not and I hope I have passed on some valid truths that you may be open to incorporating into your life and thus changing it for the better, God will bless you either way, he just does that! I have learned so many things in his life and I am always learning. Its a process. Now that I am the mother of teens I sit back and just watch and listen and remember what my Aunt Peg used to call me when I was young, “Little Miss Know It All!” I was about their age and I really thought that I had it, I thought I knew it all. I have come to learn that it is part of life, it’s a phase we all go through. Beginning in the teen age years and ending God knows when. I say that because my children range in age from 13 to almost 29 yrs old. Making me just a young sweet thing as my Aunt used to say. We never stop learning, some of us just think we have it all concurred at certain points and, WE DON’T! That’s when life knocks us down and we get up and keep going.
So many times lately and in my life I have seen God’s work over and over again and seen all the above lessons played out, again and again. It never stops and it keeps on repeating and repeating as if he’s saying, you didn’t get this one right, here it is again. Or just that you know this one, lets see if you have learned your lesson from our first teaching, let’s practice it. It’s a test, the test of life. That is what it means to age and become wise. Because the best of life’s lessons are learned all along the way.And we learn that the best lessons don’t come from a book or something that you read, they come from what we learn from life and from the ones we love, from our friends and from our colleagues, our mothers, our fathers and sisters and brothers and the ones that we travel this life beside. It’s hard, it will never be easy although at times we rest and sit back and enjoy it, life’s next lesson is right around the corner, just waiting. May that be good or bad we must face it and never run from it.
I believe that my strengths come from 4 people in my life more than any, my Great Grandmother Jennie, my Dear sweet Aunt Peg and my best friend, Sara and of course my husband, Joe. They haven’t always thought I was listening but I always, always was. I may have gotten upset with them at times but  my love never failed for them, ever. They may have said something I didn’t want to hear, just as I have, but still my love never failed for them. I have learned so much as well from my mother. That strong means you just don’t give up until it is your time to give up! Just as I didn’t give up on her. I listened! Another lesson we must learn, that love is about listening with an open heart and mind. Sometimes it’s not about what we want, but about what they want, they are not always one in the same. And I believe that when people love one another they will respect these wishes and honor them. That is after all what love is.
We have been thrown a few hard balls lately, I think I caught them and I think I am dealing quite well and I think I am learning. Also we have been dealt a few Aces and we are basking in their greatness if only just for a while. My mother is talking and she is moving her right arm and her right leg….take that one and contemplate on that for awhile. Above all odds and out of the goodness and graciousness from God we have a blessing, a miracle. Yet another that I have seen in my life. All the more proof that there is a God! We are blessed and that coincidences are not just that! They are all apart of the plan. So Hospice is leaving our house for now. But in comes yet another challenge for our family, see how that goes! In comes baby booties and crying and yes teen pregnancy. Not a curse but yet just another blessing. Not part of our plan but apparently part of God’s. Its OK we can deal we are strong and we are a family and we will go on together and we will deal with it just as we always have, together. Our family will band together and will stay strong and will triumph again! I am at peace with it! My daughter is my love and my love is very precious to me and I will support her and help her to learn to also be strong and we will become strong together. Not always can I get my children to sit still, be silent and just listen to me. Sometimes it doesn’t come out just the way I had planned it to and I’m hoping that this is just how I hoped it would “roll” as they say. I hope that for a moment they can sit and just read, because boy they like to read the things on the computer. It’s not Myspace or Facebook, it’s “Mom’s Space.”And it’s Mom’s heart. It’s what I have on my mind at any given time of the day, it’s the love I have for them, each and every one of them, no matter what or when or through whatever it is they have done, as I have said before it is unfailing and unwavering, it is strong and it is a deep love for each.
What started all this was a beautiful video I saw today that brought back memories from my childhood and my great grandmother. Took me to raise me at 85 years old, talk strong, because I was family, her love never failed me. Even at the end she told me, I need you to be a big girl and to help out because I have to leave here now. I’m sick and I’m old and I’m tired, I can’t stay any longer. I guess we get that way. And she assured me that she would always be with me watching over me even from afar. Till this day I look up when I get in trouble, first to God and then to her. That is where my strength comes from. Anyways when I was little she would rock me and brush my long hair and sing to me, most often church hymns or old musicals that she had heard. So that is what started this all and I am glad. I know that she has found yet another way to reassure me that it will be OK! Everything will be OK. She used to sing this song to me as a little wee girl and I sang it to my children and here it is again!
You’ll Never Walk Alone!
When you walk through a storm
Keep your chin up high
And don't be afraid of the dark.
At he end of the storm
Is a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of a lark.
Walk on through the wind,
Walk on through the rain,
Tho' your dreams be tossed and blown.Walk on, walk on
With hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone,
You'll never walk alone.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

I Am Surrounded!!!

Blessed are they who see beautiful things in humble places where other people see nothing.
Camille Pissarro
The success of love is in the loving - it is not in the result of loving. Of course it is natural in love to want the best for the other person, but whether it turns out that way or not does not determine the value of what we have done.
Mother Teresa
Blessed Mother Theresa, God rest her soul. Kind, loving, giving without end, devoted to Christ and to humanity. Loved every single individual without prejudices or without judgment. Spent countless hours with strangers, but yet looked at them as family. She said, we are all family because we are all God’s children, he is father to us all. How humbled she must have been to service others with such compassion and love. She never stopped to question why, she just carried out her calling from God, to take care of all of God’s people, sick, suffering, impoverished and the dying. Questioning would have meant doubt in God’s plan. And she never doubted that plan, even through extreme situations where there was much suffering and loss of many lives.
I don’t always understand God but I trust him.I trust that he always has a plan for us. I believe that we are never alone. I said in a previous post that I believe that no one should die alone, I believe that he will not allow that. No matter who we are or what we have done, he will not allow that. You always have to have faith. Our faith does not die with us it lives on in the lives of those that we have touched along our journey. The kindness we have shown to others. The entire basis of human existence is love.
I feel very humbled to be given the opportunity to care for the individual that gave me life. There is a feeling of honor to brushing your mothers hair, stroking her hand, sitting in silence and praying over her frail body, putting a cool cloth to her head. Or just repeating I love you over and over, you are precious to me and I adore you and I always will. There is a humbling feeling to saying, OK this ones for you father. You have the wheel, I cannot do this without you. I know not what you have in store, but I am ready! I put my faith in you. Today I am at the stage where I have given God the control. I am only his servant. I will love and honor my mother always until death is upon us. I hope to be at her side but I have assured her that she is not alone and neither am I. That we will weather the storm TOGETHER. Always TOGETHER. Whether that only be in spirit that is enough.
It seems to be that today death lurks at my doorstep no matter where I turn. I feel as if “I am surrounded.” Maybe that is what my calling is. My darling son has a friend who I lovingly refer to as my 4th son. (3 biological) then there is my Ryan, my 4th honorary son. He calls me “mom'” and rightfully so I adore him as well. He is not really my son though. He was diagnosed with Cancer (oh that ugly, ugly word) less than 6 months ago. The cancer is in his brain now. The tumor is very invasive. He is currently taking Chemo and is showing signs that he is becoming more and more overcome by this ugly monster everyday. Each time I see him, I see a young healthy vibrant young man with all the promise that this world holds crushed by an awful disease. He smiles as if it doesn’t even exist. He acts as if it didn’t happen and I don’t think it has ever really occurred to him what the outcome may bring. He say’s I just don’t think about that and what may come. He will say when you talk to him about it, I really don’t think about it. “If I think about it I may just stop.” If I stop then where will I be. I always say have faith, never stop having faith.
I have watched this child deteriorate right before my eyes. Tonight the conversation was….The make a wish organization contacted him about his wish. He said I can go anywhere and do whatever I want. They said I can have whatever I want. As we all know to be eligible for Make A Wish there are certain guidelines and the most crushing is: To receive a wish, the child must be diagnosed with a life-threatening medical condition – i.e., a progressive, degenerative or malignant condition that has placed the child’s life in jeopardy. THE VERY SAD THING IS THAT THIS CHILD WILL MOST LIKELY NOT SEE HIS 18th BIRTHDAY!!! I look at my son and I feel such overwhelming feelings of thankfulness and appreciation. Although this child is like my son he is not. I cannot even begin to imagine his mothers heartache. I really don’t think at this point any organization would be able to grant my wish! Ryan is a very outgoing, sweet, respectful, kind and loving young man. I stood one night off from the two of them, watching them. In total amazement of what was becoming of our sweet young man. One day perfect and the next broken. It is a very eye opening and humbling thought to a mother. He is always in my prayers. I have pictures of my sons….would you mind if I brag a little, since I had a little to do with his raising too. The silly little eye closer is my Mat, he always does it to me! I will post his earlier pictures later. The difference is astounding! Our Ryan is on the left. He refuses to take that LIP THING OUT…..Beautiful, beautiful boys!  Here they are:
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I want them always to remember their bond, their closeness and their love for one another and to always hold on to that and never, ever let it go. They did a study amongst people who have lived to be well over a hundred. What they found was that one of the things that these people had in common was they all had close and endearing relationships with at least 2 other non-family individuals, i.e; a close and beloved friend. It all comes down to love again and again. It can heal the world! It will heal our beloved Ryan!
Where there is great love there are always miracles! So see I am surrounded by death as well as I am surrounded by love. My mother and our sweet young Ryan to different ends of the spectrum yet such similar fights! I am blessed! I am blessed and honored to have these 2 very precious people in my life teaching me great things, no matter what God’s plan is for the future, today is all that really matters to me, because today is all we really have! It has been a good day! Everyday is a good day!
I find Mother Theresa’s talks very soothing and enlightening. Please take a moment to listen to this video. Don’t forget to pause the little player so it doesn’t interfere…….

If you are interested in knowing more about Mother Theresa here is a link….God Bless! Biography of Mother Theresa

Saturday, January 9, 2010

This Is A Must Watch!

Pause the Ipod Player on the right to watch the clip...





I Know You By Heart….Hospice Is In The House!!!

One of my favorite songs, very fitting for the occasion I would say…..
Midnights in Winter
The glowing fire
Lights up your face in orange and gold.
I see your sweet smile
Shine through the darkness
It's line is etched in my memory.
So I'd know you by heart.
Mornings in April
Sharing our secrets
We'd walk until the morning was gone.
We were like children
Laughing for hours
The joy you gave me lives on and on.
‘Cause I know you by heart.
I still hear your voice
On warm Summer nights
 
Whispering like the wind.
(Oh oh ohh…)
You left in Autumn
The leaves were turning
I walked down roads of orange and gold.
I saw your sweet smile
I heard your laughter
You're still here beside me every day.
‘Cause I know you by heart,
‘Cause I know you by hear
YOUR STILL HERE BESIDE ME EVERY DAY. ‘CAUSE I KNOW YOU BY HEART!!! I see your sweet smile shine through the darkness, it’s line is etched in my memory. I remember everything always! Always. I know your sweet smile,  know your sweet face because every time I look in the mirror it looks right back at me, every time. Thank you for giving me life, thank you for giving me those few words…”no more!” It helped me to find some peace.
Out of the mouth of babes my daughter says, Mom why are you crying, if you know what you are doing is the right thing to do, if Grandma will not suffer anymore ever, doesn’t that make you happy? I guess it should! So why do we cry I ask? I did ask her why she would cry if it was my time…no answer. Because loss and the thought of finality are devastating and beyond human comprehension. It’s the whole heart, mind, spirit and soul connection. It’s not only your heart that is crushed it is your whole being.
We tried, but it failed so what would you like us to do from here? Well I would like it if you would make it the way it was right before this nightmare all started, how about that? OK guess not. IT ALL FAILED so what do we do, she can’t swallow, so she can’t survive and she is struggling but holding on without the vent…so where do we go from here? Do you want hospice? Oh my God no… that means that it’s over with! Oh no…..we let her go! I do what I hope she would have done for me, what I hope someday my family will do for me….let me go!
Dr says you do realize that she will expire without any further efforts to sustain her life? How I wish I didn’t know that. Sometimes it’s worse to know then to not know I think. Dr says I am very sorry for you loss. I said I lost her days ago!
God has bigger plans than we do I think and now he just needs her more than I do, so he’s borrowing her I guess. I sure hope someday he gives her back. I believe that we will all find one another in the place that we are going. We may not know one another by physical appearance but we will know one another because our hearts will allow us to do so. That is just my belief.
Man how this life flies, where does it go to? Just when your having fun…puff it’s over….it’s gone! That quick. As you get older, days seem like minutes. Years are like weeks. So much to hold onto I guess. Do we ever actually take the time to hold fast to what we really should be those that we care for so dearly. Do we allow it to slip from our fingers like sand? Have you ever really watched an hourglass? Just like life when the last grain falls, as in life your time is gone. Only difference is, we can’t turn it over, life that is. Funny as hell how you think about life so deeply when impending death is at your doorway or within your path. Been there and done that several times now and it is scary as hell it is! Just as this is. So I think this saga is done my friends. Our fight is finally done!

Friday, January 8, 2010

La Belle Vita….It’s Time

A little later than I had wished, but with the obvious things so unexpected happening in my life right now, I thought that once again the new site would have to be delayed. Working until late last night I finally finished it, well almost, have to get Etsy on! So check it out and see what I do instead of sleep! May explain my exhaustion at times. Click the link and see what you think of my work. get inspired to love Art!
La Belle Vita....The Beautiful Life!
Published and posted a few things!That’s an ahhhhh!  It was one of my January goals. It’s done! Bravo!
La Belle Vita

Where There Is Great Love There Are Always Miracles! (Update on Mom!)

Sometimes what we least expect becomes the unexpected! We are now waiting on a miracle. Sometimes a sign of life comes in a simple grasp. A breath that shouldn't have been, or just something you never expected. I really in my mind expected my mother to just leave this earth without her dear sweet daughter grasping on to little signs of life. I expected nature to just take its course and just happen.Well then we all know there is the unexpected feelings that we all feel when that time comes. I cant bring myself to say…STOP!

Do Doctors know, do we know, of course not! Only our sweet Lord has that ability. When he says that’s it, then, that’s it! I guess it’s all in his time not ours. So many decisions, so many I wish I never had to make, ever! No pain, no suffering that is all I wish. How do you determine if something hurts if you are not in that body yourself? How do you determine if they are still in there…somewhere. Well I’m hanging on to something as simple as what I thought was the grasp of my hand.

Today is Vent weaning day! 2 days ago we failed miserably. I just couldn’t say pull it that’s enough! I just couldn’t. I’m not sure now that I can ever. WHERE THERE IS GREAT LOVE THERE ARE ALWAYS MIRACLES! I can’t seem to get that out of my mind. What if I say stop and what if I don’t fight like she is, what if it’s not time yet, what if God’s not ready for her yet? I guess we will see.Life is so full of what ifs.  It’s a wait and see game I guess. If it’s her time she will go no matter how many heroic efforts are made. She is strong enough to hit people and to yank out tubes, she knows she doesn’t want those things, well that’s what my sis says. And she is my hero and she knows it all, really she does. She is much smarter than I will ever be. She is my rock especially right now. Need some great advice ask my Sara! Because your OLDER sister is always wiser and smarter than you.

Days maybe hours…my a$$! They have no idea it’s like predicting the weather they only know what hey know and that’s not a lot. When did we get so great at doing God’s job?..we haven’t yet! Never will!  Maybe I’ll just leave it to him. I leave a lot to him.
I had to speak to 2 Doctors 2 days ago and the amount is growing. It’s amazing with all the specialist there are, that none of them know more than what they see on a picture, well pictures say a thousand words in an artists view. Huh she will prove you all wrong I think! I hope! Time, it’s all about time. So let’s see how Vent day goes. I have seen a hundred cases where you thought it was someones time and you were oh so wrong. Lord prove me wrong!

Please Lord don’t ever let me be the kind of nurse that takes someone's hand and drops it on their head repeatedly and first says, what am I doing Linda? Well hell she’s lethargic and has a vent where would you expect that answer to come from? Let’s see….Secondly if someone has severe swelling in their brain…do you think they may have a LITTLE head ache? Hum…let’s see. All that education and no common sense. If someone’s thrashing about on their bed do you think you should look in the room turn around and leave or do you think you would help? Maybe check it out? If you hear an alarm do you listen then walk away or do you act? These are pretty intense questions, I will give you a moment to answer. Shouldn’t have been hard a all. Most folks would  at least give it a shot, not our fine medical staff.

Everyone hurries away from our precious human lives as if they are nothing more than things. When this old world ends I really hope I can say that I stopped along the way to hold a hand when it was needed, or said a few words that made someone feel better inside. I hope I can say I didn’t hurry by someone in need ever. My philosophy is no one dies alone! I can’t stand the mere thought of that! It makes me cringe. I think with all the money they spend on stupid things they really need to research death and dying. I attended a really great workshop one time on the subject. Really helps me a lot now. My decisions are different than they were way back when. Hospice is an awesome organization and their business is just that…death and dying. Haven’t really thought about that whole thing a lot just yet.
Time will tell.

My favorite song by John Mayer Is Say…
Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems,
Better put 'em in quotations

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you'd be better off instead,
If you could only . . .

Say what you need to say
Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You'd better know that in the end
Its better to say too much
Then never say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

Say what you need to say!!!!

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

On One Of The Saddest Days Of My Life…..Why I Have To Now Just Say Goodbye!

sad3c8d57xq9There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle… Albert Einstein
On one of the most difficult days of my life, where is she to help me make this decision? No longer can I look to the person I call Mother. I realize that it’s her time now to be with God, still doesn’t make me any less madder than I am at her. On the other hand sadder than I am to loose her dear soul. That can only make sense to me right now. I just cannot feel any sadder than I do this very day! So very hard to say goodbye, so very hard to make that decision for another human life, especially the one you call Momma. This is why they say life is just not fair! And for all of us it can never be that way, that is why we call it life.
They say she’s had a massive stroke, the bleeding is so bad they cannot do anything else for her. Hours maybe days. I say you are just not telling me these things and that’s just not true. I need more time! Mother my birthday is in a few days! Now is not that time! In my heart I know these things are true, in my mind as a nurse I know the outlook is bad. But my mind says, it can’t be! It just can’t be now! It has to be fixed, because I am a fixer type person. I have to fix everything! But you know what, I can’t fix this! I JUST CAN’T FIX THIS! I have to make her understand how much she was loved, how much I adored her and everything she was, mother. How do I do that now? The tears make it worse. And there are many. My aching heart is so saddened and she is not even gone physically, but her spirit and her soul are gone! Only her being is her with us!
I am guilt ridden because I worked to much and wasn’t there for her enough. I am guilt ridden because I didn’t say I love you enough. I’m guilt ridden because even at my age we didn’t cuddle up enough. I’m guilt ridden because I wasn’t there at that very moment she may have needed me the very most and once again I was mad at something so very stupid she may have said or done! How stupid I am! How stupid I am!!!!! God forgive me for this! Of course when do you ever feel you have done all the right things at this moment. Regret and remorse, sadness and heartbreak. But as the saying goes.. choose with no regrets! How very difficult that is at any moment in life. Difficult is what makes life. God never said it would be easy this ride we call…Life!
So we now go on, we now say goodbye! My dearest mother, my sweet, sweet mother, a piece of my heart dies with you! I am so glad to have had you with me, so very sad to be without you. Please forgive me for setting your soul free. I know it is the right thing to do, but to me it is one of the hardest things I shall ever do in this life of mine. You leave behind 3 woman that are very much a part of you. You were strong and we are strong like you mother. It is the Irish in us! You smiled all the time except when you were sick just like we do Momma. You were creative with what you had, so are we momma. You were loving to people, strangers and every stray animal you found and we are to momma. You are beautiful and look at your girls mom, we are to inside and out! So thank you mom we adore you and love you with all we have! Goodbye my dear, sweet, loving mother, goodbye. May your journey to heaven be swift and effortless, and may you feel our love with you always. See you soon! Your loving family!
Live with intention.
Walk to the edge.
Listen hard.
Practice wellness.
Play with abandon.
Laugh.
Choose with no regret.
Appreciate your friends.
Continue to learn.
Do what you love.
Live as if this is all there is.
- Mary Anne Radmacher
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