Saturday, January 9, 2010

I Know You By Heart….Hospice Is In The House!!!

One of my favorite songs, very fitting for the occasion I would say…..
Midnights in Winter
The glowing fire
Lights up your face in orange and gold.
I see your sweet smile
Shine through the darkness
It's line is etched in my memory.
So I'd know you by heart.
Mornings in April
Sharing our secrets
We'd walk until the morning was gone.
We were like children
Laughing for hours
The joy you gave me lives on and on.
‘Cause I know you by heart.
I still hear your voice
On warm Summer nights
Whispering like the wind.
(Oh oh ohh…)
You left in Autumn
The leaves were turning
I walked down roads of orange and gold.
I saw your sweet smile
I heard your laughter
You're still here beside me every day.
‘Cause I know you by heart,
‘Cause I know you by hear
YOUR STILL HERE BESIDE ME EVERY DAY. ‘CAUSE I KNOW YOU BY HEART!!! I see your sweet smile shine through the darkness, it’s line is etched in my memory. I remember everything always! Always. I know your sweet smile,  know your sweet face because every time I look in the mirror it looks right back at me, every time. Thank you for giving me life, thank you for giving me those few words…”no more!” It helped me to find some peace.
Out of the mouth of babes my daughter says, Mom why are you crying, if you know what you are doing is the right thing to do, if Grandma will not suffer anymore ever, doesn’t that make you happy? I guess it should! So why do we cry I ask? I did ask her why she would cry if it was my time…no answer. Because loss and the thought of finality are devastating and beyond human comprehension. It’s the whole heart, mind, spirit and soul connection. It’s not only your heart that is crushed it is your whole being.
We tried, but it failed so what would you like us to do from here? Well I would like it if you would make it the way it was right before this nightmare all started, how about that? OK guess not. IT ALL FAILED so what do we do, she can’t swallow, so she can’t survive and she is struggling but holding on without the vent…so where do we go from here? Do you want hospice? Oh my God no… that means that it’s over with! Oh no…..we let her go! I do what I hope she would have done for me, what I hope someday my family will do for me….let me go!
Dr says you do realize that she will expire without any further efforts to sustain her life? How I wish I didn’t know that. Sometimes it’s worse to know then to not know I think. Dr says I am very sorry for you loss. I said I lost her days ago!
God has bigger plans than we do I think and now he just needs her more than I do, so he’s borrowing her I guess. I sure hope someday he gives her back. I believe that we will all find one another in the place that we are going. We may not know one another by physical appearance but we will know one another because our hearts will allow us to do so. That is just my belief.
Man how this life flies, where does it go to? Just when your having fun…puff it’s over….it’s gone! That quick. As you get older, days seem like minutes. Years are like weeks. So much to hold onto I guess. Do we ever actually take the time to hold fast to what we really should be those that we care for so dearly. Do we allow it to slip from our fingers like sand? Have you ever really watched an hourglass? Just like life when the last grain falls, as in life your time is gone. Only difference is, we can’t turn it over, life that is. Funny as hell how you think about life so deeply when impending death is at your doorway or within your path. Been there and done that several times now and it is scary as hell it is! Just as this is. So I think this saga is done my friends. Our fight is finally done!

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