Letting Go

This past year 2011 has come and gone! Last time I posted anything or sat down to write was January 2011. Wow how crazy is that. But really when I honestly sit and look back, no regrets it couldn't have been done any other way. God's plan I guess.And we each have to follow that in our own way.


I have had yet another birthday, they come and go now. I am finally O.K. with that or I am finally becoming O.K. I am confident that next year it will all be an acceptable milestone to reach the age where life takes that turn. You are descending the final stretch in the road, where everything is so much more appreciated and honored then it was 30 or 40 years ago.Where you tend to just stop and appreciate everything and everybody that has touched your life in some way or the other. You learn to accept each moment as a learning experience and an occasion to grow. Something that 40 years ago I couldn't have done. 40 years ago was the time of taking everything for granted, of course there will be another tomorrow, of course or that doesn't or won't effect me, not at all. Today its now different, all so different. I now look at the world through "rose colored glasses" I guess you might say. I now think that it's not how you look at things but how you think of them that counts. It's all so different at this stage in my life. I have a more optimistic outlook on life. Things are changing and I am so much happier because of that. I can now recall very dark moments in my life where I was so pessimistic, so negative. Just another stage I had to go through to bring me to where I am at this given moment.

What I struggle with tremendously is letting go of my children. I remember when I was younger just wanting to have the perfect family, perfect husband and most perfect children imaginable. A reputable and honored desire and dream for any mother. Not rational at all, but I was younger, and the Capricorn is a very driven sign. Striving always for perfection for that need for everything to be just so. To be so called"perfect". I have always attempted to be in control at all times. Not in a bad way but in the sense that I wanted my household to run like a tight ship may we say. Everything has a place and everything is in it's place. Organizational queen. Unfortunately my children saw that and internalized it as well. I tend to beat myself up, I have always beat myself up over my mistakes, the mistakes of others, things that I couldn't control nor change, this behavior no longer has a place with me. I guess as Maya Angelou says, "when you know better, you do better." I now know that at that time in my life, I just didn't know better, I did the best that I could do at that point in my life. Very dark part of my life the, "oh my God I am not a perfect mother part!" It has been the roughest and hardest thing I have had to face in my life I think for me ever....just being able to let go and just be at peace with it. And now some 40 years later or so the peace has come!

 
Last night I had the opportunity to watch Oprah's Master Class, wonderful and inspiring series, Goldie Hawn was on, I have always just adored her. So intelligent, entertaining with a very playful personality. A favorite of mine and by what I hear is also Goldie Hawn's. An Ancient Myth, the story of Demeter the mother, letting go, and her message to mothers. And as the story goes the abduction of the beautiful Persephone is the reason behind the sweetness of Spring and the bitterness of Winter.One day this little girl of life and laughter, Persephone, was collecting flowers on the plain of Enna when the earth opened beneath her feet. Up from the gap rose Hades, grim God of the Underworld, and abducted her. And only Zeus the all seeing, knew what had happened.

Broken hearted, Demeter wandered the earth, her hair unbound, wailing into the wind, searching for her little daughter until - at last - Zeus told her what had happened.

Now Demeter was angry as well as heart broken! She demonstrated her rage by punishing the earth's inhabitants with fierce cold, bitter winds and an end to all fertility. Unless Persephone was returned, the earth would surely perish.

Finally Herakles the Hero went down to the kingdom of Hades to negotiate the return of Persephone. But, before she was released, the God of the Underworld tricked Persephone into eating six pomegranate seeds - thus she would always be connected to his realm.

For part of the year Persephone must stay in the Underworld and for part of the year she returns to her mother.

When Demeter and her daughter are together, the earth flourishes with vegetation, but, for four months of the year, when Persephone goes back to Hades, the earth is a barren realm.One important lesson from Demeter is not to place all of our life into our children. It's a trap that any mother can fall into, putting her talents of spontaneity, creativity, playfulness, wonder, curiosity, love of story and all that we call imagination into her children - forgetting that these belong also to her own inner child.

When her daughter is abducted, the loss causes Demeter to go into deep depression. A depression in which she ceases to bathe, ceases to eat, disguises her beauty, neglects her daily duties, denies her future and becomes self absorbed, angry, resentful and lost in torrents of incessant weeping.

If we hold on to our children too tightly, if we weave our lives totally around them, we are then at a loss when they mature and become independent. We can suffer very real and very deep pain. Like Demeter, our own inner child has been displaced onto our actual children.If we place all of our eggs into one basket, if a friend grows away from us, if we place all of our love into one partner and that relationship ends, we can be shattered until we realize that what has passed, has passed.We can't go back.
For everything there is a season.
And there is a time for letting go.

Happy Mothers Day To All!

Mothering, the most rewarding and wonderful jobs of all. 5 children and 29 years later since I first became a mom, I can truly say I have been blessed thousands of times over. I have also endured many tears and many heartbreaks as well. All part of being a mother. So many times we take for granted the time that we have and do not stop to just reflect on how blessed we are. As in all of life are greatest treasures are, our children.Our next greatest treasure is the honor of being called...Mother! God bless each mother on this day and always. May you find the strength you need to always find the humor in every crisis situation and the creativity that bubbles over from the scribbling little human being standing before you with marker in hand and a beautiful beaming piece of art...on your newly painted wall. Laugh mothers, there just isn't enough time for anything else. Before you know it, your baby's having a baby. Keep every moment precious as every child is precious. Just enjoy being called....Mother! Enjoy the video...I did! Taylor Swift ...Best Day with lyrics

I Am Surrounded!!!

Blessed are they who see beautiful things in humble places where other people see nothing.
Camille Pissarro
The success of love is in the loving - it is not in the result of loving. Of course it is natural in love to want the best for the other person, but whether it turns out that way or not does not determine the value of what we have done.
Mother Teresa
Blessed Mother Theresa, God rest her soul. Kind, loving, giving without end, devoted to Christ and to humanity. Loved every single individual without prejudices or without judgment. Spent countless hours with strangers, but yet looked at them as family. She said, we are all family because we are all God’s children, he is father to us all. How humbled she must have been to service others with such compassion and love. She never stopped to question why, she just carried out her calling from God, to take care of all of God’s people, sick, suffering, impoverished and the dying. Questioning would have meant doubt in God’s plan. And she never doubted that plan, even through extreme situations where there was much suffering and loss of many lives.
I don’t always understand God but I trust him.I trust that he always has a plan for us. I believe that we are never alone. I said in a previous post that I believe that no one should die alone, I believe that he will not allow that. No matter who we are or what we have done, he will not allow that. You always have to have faith. Our faith does not die with us it lives on in the lives of those that we have touched along our journey. The kindness we have shown to others. The entire basis of human existence is love.
I feel very humbled to be given the opportunity to care for the individual that gave me life. There is a feeling of honor to brushing your mothers hair, stroking her hand, sitting in silence and praying over her frail body, putting a cool cloth to her head. Or just repeating I love you over and over, you are precious to me and I adore you and I always will. There is a humbling feeling to saying, OK this ones for you father. You have the wheel, I cannot do this without you. I know not what you have in store, but I am ready! I put my faith in you. Today I am at the stage where I have given God the control. I am only his servant. I will love and honor my mother always until death is upon us. I hope to be at her side but I have assured her that she is not alone and neither am I. That we will weather the storm TOGETHER. Always TOGETHER. Whether that only be in spirit that is enough.
It seems to be that today death lurks at my doorstep no matter where I turn. I feel as if “I am surrounded.” Maybe that is what my calling is. My darling son has a friend who I lovingly refer to as my 4th son. (3 biological) then there is my Ryan, my 4th honorary son. He calls me “mom'” and rightfully so I adore him as well. He is not really my son though. He was diagnosed with Cancer (oh that ugly, ugly word) less than 6 months ago. The cancer is in his brain now. The tumor is very invasive. He is currently taking Chemo and is showing signs that he is becoming more and more overcome by this ugly monster everyday. Each time I see him, I see a young healthy vibrant young man with all the promise that this world holds crushed by an awful disease. He smiles as if it doesn’t even exist. He acts as if it didn’t happen and I don’t think it has ever really occurred to him what the outcome may bring. He say’s I just don’t think about that and what may come. He will say when you talk to him about it, I really don’t think about it. “If I think about it I may just stop.” If I stop then where will I be. I always say have faith, never stop having faith.
I have watched this child deteriorate right before my eyes. Tonight the conversation was….The make a wish organization contacted him about his wish. He said I can go anywhere and do whatever I want. They said I can have whatever I want. As we all know to be eligible for Make A Wish there are certain guidelines and the most crushing is: To receive a wish, the child must be diagnosed with a life-threatening medical condition – i.e., a progressive, degenerative or malignant condition that has placed the child’s life in jeopardy. THE VERY SAD THING IS THAT THIS CHILD WILL MOST LIKELY NOT SEE HIS 18th BIRTHDAY!!! I look at my son and I feel such overwhelming feelings of thankfulness and appreciation. Although this child is like my son he is not. I cannot even begin to imagine his mothers heartache. I really don’t think at this point any organization would be able to grant my wish! Ryan is a very outgoing, sweet, respectful, kind and loving young man. I stood one night off from the two of them, watching them. In total amazement of what was becoming of our sweet young man. One day perfect and the next broken. It is a very eye opening and humbling thought to a mother. He is always in my prayers. I have pictures of my sons….would you mind if I brag a little, since I had a little to do with his raising too. The silly little eye closer is my Mat, he always does it to me! I will post his earlier pictures later. The difference is astounding! Our Ryan is on the left. He refuses to take that LIP THING OUT…..Beautiful, beautiful boys!  Here they are:

I want them always to remember their bond, their closeness and their love for one another and to always hold on to that and never, ever let it go. They did a study amongst people who have lived to be well over a hundred. What they found was that one of the things that these people had in common was they all had close and endearing relationships with at least 2 other non-family individuals, i.e; a close and beloved friend. It all comes down to love again and again. It can heal the world! It will heal our beloved Ryan!
Where there is great love there are always miracles! So see I am surrounded by death as well as I am surrounded by love. My mother and our sweet young Ryan to different ends of the spectrum yet such similar fights! I am blessed! I am blessed and honored to have these 2 very precious people in my life teaching me great things, no matter what God’s plan is for the future, today is all that really matters to me, because today is all we really have! It has been a good day! Everyday is a good day!
I find Mother Theresa’s talks very soothing and enlightening. Please take a moment to listen to this video. Don’t forget to pause the little player so it doesn’t interfere…….

If you are interested in knowing more about Mother Theresa here is a link….God Bless! Biography of Mother Theresa

This Is A Must Watch!

Pause the Ipod Player on the right to watch the clip...

Thoughts On Life

WORRY
Is there a magic cutoff period when offspring become accountable for their own actions? Is there a wonderful moment when parents can become detached spectators in the lives of their children and shrug, 'It's their life,' and feel nothing?

When I was in my twenties, I stood in a hospital corridor waiting for doctors to put a few stitches in my daughter's head. I asked, 'When do you stop worrying?' The nurse said, 'When they get out of the accident stage.' My Dad just smiled faintly and said nothing. 

When I was in my thirties, I sat on a little chair in a classroom and heard how one of my children talked incessantly, disrupted the class, and was headed for a career making license plates. As if to read my mind, a teacher said, 'Don't worry, they all go through this stage and then you can sit back, relax and enjoy them.' My dad just smiled faintly and said nothing. 

When I was in my forties, I spent a lifetime waiting for the phone to ring, the cars to come home, the front door to open. A friend said, 'They're trying to find themselves. Don't worry, in a few years, you can stop worrying. They'll be adults.' My dad just smiled faintly and said nothing. 

By the time I was 50, I was sick & tired of being vulnerable. I was still worrying over my  children, but there was a new wrinkle. There was nothing I could do about it. My Dad just smiled faintly and said nothing.
I continued to anguish over their failures, be tormented by their frustrations and absorbed in their disappointments. 

My friends said that when my kids got married I

could stop worrying and lead my own life. I wanted to believe that, but I was haunted by my Dad's warm smile and his occasional, 'You look pale. Are you alright?  Call me the minute you get home. Are you depressed about something?'

Can it be that parents are sentenced to a lifetime of worry? Is concern for one another handed down like a torch to blaze the trail of human frailties and the fears of the unknown? Is concern a curse or is it a virtue that elevates us to the highest form of life?

One of my children became quite irritable recently, saying to me, 'Where were you? I've been

calling for 3 days, and no one answered I was worried.' I smiled a warm smile. 


The torch has been passed.
Author Unknown

Just Enjoying Summer!

I love to watch my teens, enjoying just being little kids. This world is just so tough on them. Their peers push them to conform. You really hope they make all the right choices. Sometimes they do and a lot of times they don't. It's hard as a mom to watch them struggle between right and wrong. Its hard to watch them grow up and make mistakes that sometimes are not only difficult for them but for you as a mom as well. I frequently question their thoughts, but it's all part of the process of growing up. I wish there could be more happiness and less hardship but unfortunately that's all I can do is wish, they have to make their own way.

I have learned so much going down this road called life, one of the hardest lessons I've learned is listening. It pretty much applies to all, friends, family as well as your teens. It has probably taken me years and I'm not sure at times I still do such a great job but I do it. Teens don't always want you to talk they just want your ear. They will tell you when it requires more then, "I'm so sorry to hear that honey, is there anything I can do?"(Hardest words I've ever spoken) If there isn't they will be the first to let you know. I would guess this allows them to then work it out for themselves. I think the greatest injustice you can do for your children is be a "do it for them parent." You can jump right in and change the tide, then they do not get to experience what life is really all about, happiness and sorrows, ups and downs, learning and maturing. They never grow up and they never become responsible adults. Take a look around at our society. What are we teaching them? What is the difference in our generation and in theirs? The difference is we were told to work it out, decide what we were going to do about a situation. We were given reasonable suggestions but never solutions. We worked hard to save for things and really appreciated them. We were proud of what we had and treasured it. We were allowed to live with our mistakes, right or wrong. Crying was not something we were put in counseling for nor was feeling sad. I agree there is a degree of being sad that needs immediate attention, I am a nurse I had better understand, clinical depression is a very serious situation. But what are these teens so saddened by? They can't have a new cell phone. Well do they have a job?Because cell phones are expensive. I didn't have a cell phone until I was in my 30's (late 30's) When parents learn to just say no, they will take a lot of the sadness and weight from these children. Soon enough they will be adults, soon enough they will have jobs. Soon enough they will pay bills. I have paid my own bills in this life and they should have that opportunity as well. Luxuries are just that, luxuries! Sometimes we have them, sometimes we don't! They will appreciate what they pay for,  not what we pay for. Today's teens live like millionaires compared to the teens of yesterday. Seeing things that their parents had only dreamed they would see. When you dream about something and work hard for it, it becomes precious. Parents are willing to go under just to give their child the world, there by creating a society of debt. What makes our teens so sad and so depressed? They miss the one thing they need the most and it doesn't come from a shelf, its called parents. They miss mom and they miss dad. If they don't have that, they miss out on life and they miss out on love. That is what makes this life memorable, love. When it all comes down to it, 30 minutes of undivided attention is worth far more than an Ipod touch, more then a game system. It is priceless. They can't take a cellphone away from this world, but they will always remember how you loved them. My teens always recall stories about our times together and smile. They have never recalled a story about something that was bought, with a smile that goes from ear to ear. It's always, remember when we would cuddle and remember when, we went here or there, just the 2 of us?

I love my children, I cherish every second of everyday I have with them and every one I have left. If God allowed me just one wish, it would not be for money or for worldly possessions, it would be to have those happy moments to spend again with my children. Nothing fancy, just that simple wish. When they say "mothers rock your babies and let the housework go!" That's one of the greatest lessons mothers need to learn. Cobwebs and all, you cannot build a home and family on a foundation of anything else but unfailing love.

The day we took these pictures I remember thinking, oh my God he could break an arm or leg, he could slip and fall, he could, he could, he could. My heart said, just let him be a boy and you just be a mom. My son had the greatest time this day, just being a LITTLE BOY again  and my heart was so happy. Happy momma, happy babies!