I Am Surrounded!!!

Blessed are they who see beautiful things in humble places where other people see nothing.
Camille Pissarro
The success of love is in the loving - it is not in the result of loving. Of course it is natural in love to want the best for the other person, but whether it turns out that way or not does not determine the value of what we have done.
Mother Teresa
Blessed Mother Theresa, God rest her soul. Kind, loving, giving without end, devoted to Christ and to humanity. Loved every single individual without prejudices or without judgment. Spent countless hours with strangers, but yet looked at them as family. She said, we are all family because we are all God’s children, he is father to us all. How humbled she must have been to service others with such compassion and love. She never stopped to question why, she just carried out her calling from God, to take care of all of God’s people, sick, suffering, impoverished and the dying. Questioning would have meant doubt in God’s plan. And she never doubted that plan, even through extreme situations where there was much suffering and loss of many lives.
I don’t always understand God but I trust him.I trust that he always has a plan for us. I believe that we are never alone. I said in a previous post that I believe that no one should die alone, I believe that he will not allow that. No matter who we are or what we have done, he will not allow that. You always have to have faith. Our faith does not die with us it lives on in the lives of those that we have touched along our journey. The kindness we have shown to others. The entire basis of human existence is love.
I feel very humbled to be given the opportunity to care for the individual that gave me life. There is a feeling of honor to brushing your mothers hair, stroking her hand, sitting in silence and praying over her frail body, putting a cool cloth to her head. Or just repeating I love you over and over, you are precious to me and I adore you and I always will. There is a humbling feeling to saying, OK this ones for you father. You have the wheel, I cannot do this without you. I know not what you have in store, but I am ready! I put my faith in you. Today I am at the stage where I have given God the control. I am only his servant. I will love and honor my mother always until death is upon us. I hope to be at her side but I have assured her that she is not alone and neither am I. That we will weather the storm TOGETHER. Always TOGETHER. Whether that only be in spirit that is enough.
It seems to be that today death lurks at my doorstep no matter where I turn. I feel as if “I am surrounded.” Maybe that is what my calling is. My darling son has a friend who I lovingly refer to as my 4th son. (3 biological) then there is my Ryan, my 4th honorary son. He calls me “mom'” and rightfully so I adore him as well. He is not really my son though. He was diagnosed with Cancer (oh that ugly, ugly word) less than 6 months ago. The cancer is in his brain now. The tumor is very invasive. He is currently taking Chemo and is showing signs that he is becoming more and more overcome by this ugly monster everyday. Each time I see him, I see a young healthy vibrant young man with all the promise that this world holds crushed by an awful disease. He smiles as if it doesn’t even exist. He acts as if it didn’t happen and I don’t think it has ever really occurred to him what the outcome may bring. He say’s I just don’t think about that and what may come. He will say when you talk to him about it, I really don’t think about it. “If I think about it I may just stop.” If I stop then where will I be. I always say have faith, never stop having faith.
I have watched this child deteriorate right before my eyes. Tonight the conversation was….The make a wish organization contacted him about his wish. He said I can go anywhere and do whatever I want. They said I can have whatever I want. As we all know to be eligible for Make A Wish there are certain guidelines and the most crushing is: To receive a wish, the child must be diagnosed with a life-threatening medical condition – i.e., a progressive, degenerative or malignant condition that has placed the child’s life in jeopardy. THE VERY SAD THING IS THAT THIS CHILD WILL MOST LIKELY NOT SEE HIS 18th BIRTHDAY!!! I look at my son and I feel such overwhelming feelings of thankfulness and appreciation. Although this child is like my son he is not. I cannot even begin to imagine his mothers heartache. I really don’t think at this point any organization would be able to grant my wish! Ryan is a very outgoing, sweet, respectful, kind and loving young man. I stood one night off from the two of them, watching them. In total amazement of what was becoming of our sweet young man. One day perfect and the next broken. It is a very eye opening and humbling thought to a mother. He is always in my prayers. I have pictures of my sons….would you mind if I brag a little, since I had a little to do with his raising too. The silly little eye closer is my Mat, he always does it to me! I will post his earlier pictures later. The difference is astounding! Our Ryan is on the left. He refuses to take that LIP THING OUT…..Beautiful, beautiful boys!  Here they are:

I want them always to remember their bond, their closeness and their love for one another and to always hold on to that and never, ever let it go. They did a study amongst people who have lived to be well over a hundred. What they found was that one of the things that these people had in common was they all had close and endearing relationships with at least 2 other non-family individuals, i.e; a close and beloved friend. It all comes down to love again and again. It can heal the world! It will heal our beloved Ryan!
Where there is great love there are always miracles! So see I am surrounded by death as well as I am surrounded by love. My mother and our sweet young Ryan to different ends of the spectrum yet such similar fights! I am blessed! I am blessed and honored to have these 2 very precious people in my life teaching me great things, no matter what God’s plan is for the future, today is all that really matters to me, because today is all we really have! It has been a good day! Everyday is a good day!
I find Mother Theresa’s talks very soothing and enlightening. Please take a moment to listen to this video. Don’t forget to pause the little player so it doesn’t interfere…….

If you are interested in knowing more about Mother Theresa here is a link….God Bless! Biography of Mother Theresa

This Is A Must Watch!

Pause the Ipod Player on the right to watch the clip...

I Know You By Heart….Hospice Is In The House!!!

One of my favorite songs, very fitting for the occasion I would say…..
Midnights in Winter
The glowing fire
Lights up your face in orange and gold.
I see your sweet smile
Shine through the darkness
It's line is etched in my memory.
So I'd know you by heart.
Mornings in April
Sharing our secrets
We'd walk until the morning was gone.
We were like children
Laughing for hours
The joy you gave me lives on and on.
‘Cause I know you by heart.
I still hear your voice
On warm Summer nights
 
Whispering like the wind.
(Oh oh ohh…)
You left in Autumn
The leaves were turning
I walked down roads of orange and gold.
I saw your sweet smile
I heard your laughter
You're still here beside me every day.
‘Cause I know you by heart,
‘Cause I know you by hear
YOUR STILL HERE BESIDE ME EVERY DAY. ‘CAUSE I KNOW YOU BY HEART!!! I see your sweet smile shine through the darkness, it’s line is etched in my memory. I remember everything always! Always. I know your sweet smile,  know your sweet face because every time I look in the mirror it looks right back at me, every time. Thank you for giving me life, thank you for giving me those few words…”no more!” It helped me to find some peace.
Out of the mouth of babes my daughter says, Mom why are you crying, if you know what you are doing is the right thing to do, if Grandma will not suffer anymore ever, doesn’t that make you happy? I guess it should! So why do we cry I ask? I did ask her why she would cry if it was my time…no answer. Because loss and the thought of finality are devastating and beyond human comprehension. It’s the whole heart, mind, spirit and soul connection. It’s not only your heart that is crushed it is your whole being.
We tried, but it failed so what would you like us to do from here? Well I would like it if you would make it the way it was right before this nightmare all started, how about that? OK guess not. IT ALL FAILED so what do we do, she can’t swallow, so she can’t survive and she is struggling but holding on without the vent…so where do we go from here? Do you want hospice? Oh my God no… that means that it’s over with! Oh no…..we let her go! I do what I hope she would have done for me, what I hope someday my family will do for me….let me go!
Dr says you do realize that she will expire without any further efforts to sustain her life? How I wish I didn’t know that. Sometimes it’s worse to know then to not know I think. Dr says I am very sorry for you loss. I said I lost her days ago!
God has bigger plans than we do I think and now he just needs her more than I do, so he’s borrowing her I guess. I sure hope someday he gives her back. I believe that we will all find one another in the place that we are going. We may not know one another by physical appearance but we will know one another because our hearts will allow us to do so. That is just my belief.
Man how this life flies, where does it go to? Just when your having fun…puff it’s over….it’s gone! That quick. As you get older, days seem like minutes. Years are like weeks. So much to hold onto I guess. Do we ever actually take the time to hold fast to what we really should be those that we care for so dearly. Do we allow it to slip from our fingers like sand? Have you ever really watched an hourglass? Just like life when the last grain falls, as in life your time is gone. Only difference is, we can’t turn it over, life that is. Funny as hell how you think about life so deeply when impending death is at your doorway or within your path. Been there and done that several times now and it is scary as hell it is! Just as this is. So I think this saga is done my friends. Our fight is finally done!

La Belle Vita….It’s Time

A little later than I had wished, but with the obvious things so unexpected happening in my life right now, I thought that once again the new site would have to be delayed. Working until late last night I finally finished it, well almost, have to get Etsy on! So check it out and see what I do instead of sleep! May explain my exhaustion at times. Click the link and see what you think of my work. get inspired to love Art!
La Belle Vita....The Beautiful Life!
Published and posted a few things!That’s an ahhhhh!  It was one of my January goals. It’s done! Bravo!

Where There Is Great Love There Are Always Miracles! (Update on Mom!)

Sometimes what we least expect becomes the unexpected! We are now waiting on a miracle. Sometimes a sign of life comes in a simple grasp. A breath that shouldn't have been, or just something you never expected. I really in my mind expected my mother to just leave this earth without her dear sweet daughter grasping on to little signs of life. I expected nature to just take its course and just happen.Well then we all know there is the unexpected feelings that we all feel when that time comes. I cant bring myself to say…STOP!

Do Doctors know, do we know, of course not! Only our sweet Lord has that ability. When he says that’s it, then, that’s it! I guess it’s all in his time not ours. So many decisions, so many I wish I never had to make, ever! No pain, no suffering that is all I wish. How do you determine if something hurts if you are not in that body yourself? How do you determine if they are still in there…somewhere. Well I’m hanging on to something as simple as what I thought was the grasp of my hand.

Today is Vent weaning day! 2 days ago we failed miserably. I just couldn’t say pull it that’s enough! I just couldn’t. I’m not sure now that I can ever. WHERE THERE IS GREAT LOVE THERE ARE ALWAYS MIRACLES! I can’t seem to get that out of my mind. What if I say stop and what if I don’t fight like she is, what if it’s not time yet, what if God’s not ready for her yet? I guess we will see.Life is so full of what ifs.  It’s a wait and see game I guess. If it’s her time she will go no matter how many heroic efforts are made. She is strong enough to hit people and to yank out tubes, she knows she doesn’t want those things, well that’s what my sis says. And she is my hero and she knows it all, really she does. She is much smarter than I will ever be. She is my rock especially right now. Need some great advice ask my Sara! Because your OLDER sister is always wiser and smarter than you.

Days maybe hours…my a$$! They have no idea it’s like predicting the weather they only know what hey know and that’s not a lot. When did we get so great at doing God’s job?..we haven’t yet! Never will!  Maybe I’ll just leave it to him. I leave a lot to him.
I had to speak to 2 Doctors 2 days ago and the amount is growing. It’s amazing with all the specialist there are, that none of them know more than what they see on a picture, well pictures say a thousand words in an artists view. Huh she will prove you all wrong I think! I hope! Time, it’s all about time. So let’s see how Vent day goes. I have seen a hundred cases where you thought it was someones time and you were oh so wrong. Lord prove me wrong!

Please Lord don’t ever let me be the kind of nurse that takes someone's hand and drops it on their head repeatedly and first says, what am I doing Linda? Well hell she’s lethargic and has a vent where would you expect that answer to come from? Let’s see….Secondly if someone has severe swelling in their brain…do you think they may have a LITTLE head ache? Hum…let’s see. All that education and no common sense. If someone’s thrashing about on their bed do you think you should look in the room turn around and leave or do you think you would help? Maybe check it out? If you hear an alarm do you listen then walk away or do you act? These are pretty intense questions, I will give you a moment to answer. Shouldn’t have been hard a all. Most folks would  at least give it a shot, not our fine medical staff.

Everyone hurries away from our precious human lives as if they are nothing more than things. When this old world ends I really hope I can say that I stopped along the way to hold a hand when it was needed, or said a few words that made someone feel better inside. I hope I can say I didn’t hurry by someone in need ever. My philosophy is no one dies alone! I can’t stand the mere thought of that! It makes me cringe. I think with all the money they spend on stupid things they really need to research death and dying. I attended a really great workshop one time on the subject. Really helps me a lot now. My decisions are different than they were way back when. Hospice is an awesome organization and their business is just that…death and dying. Haven’t really thought about that whole thing a lot just yet.
Time will tell.

My favorite song by John Mayer Is Say…
Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems,
Better put 'em in quotations
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you'd be better off instead,
If you could only . . .
Say what you need to say
Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You'd better know that in the end
Its better to say too much
Then never say what you need to say again
Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open
Say what you need to say!!!!

On One Of The Saddest Days Of My Life…..Why I Have To Now Just Say Goodbye!

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle… Albert Einstein
On one of the most difficult days of my life, where is she to help me make this decision? No longer can I look to the person I call Mother. I realize that it’s her time now to be with God, still doesn’t make me any less madder than I am at her. On the other hand sadder than I am to loose her dear soul. That can only make sense to me right now. I just cannot feel any sadder than I do this very day! So very hard to say goodbye, so very hard to make that decision for another human life, especially the one you call Momma. This is why they say life is just not fair! And for all of us it can never be that way, that is why we call it life.
They say she’s had a massive stroke, the bleeding is so bad they cannot do anything else for her. Hours maybe days. I say you are just not telling me these things and that’s just not true. I need more time! Mother my birthday is in a few days! Now is not that time! In my heart I know these things are true, in my mind as a nurse I know the outlook is bad. But my mind says, it can’t be! It just can’t be now! It has to be fixed, because I am a fixer type person. I have to fix everything! But you know what, I can’t fix this! I JUST CAN’T FIX THIS! I have to make her understand how much she was loved, how much I adored her and everything she was, mother. How do I do that now? The tears make it worse. And there are many. My aching heart is so saddened and she is not even gone physically, but her spirit and her soul are gone! Only her being is her with us!
I am guilt ridden because I worked to much and wasn’t there for her enough. I am guilt ridden because I didn’t say I love you enough. I’m guilt ridden because even at my age we didn’t cuddle up enough. I’m guilt ridden because I wasn’t there at that very moment she may have needed me the very most and once again I was mad at something so very stupid she may have said or done! How stupid I am! How stupid I am!!!!! God forgive me for this! Of course when do you ever feel you have done all the right things at this moment. Regret and remorse, sadness and heartbreak. But as the saying goes.. choose with no regrets! How very difficult that is at any moment in life. Difficult is what makes life. God never said it would be easy this ride we call…Life!
So we now go on, we now say goodbye! My dearest mother, my sweet, sweet mother, a piece of my heart dies with you! I am so glad to have had you with me, so very sad to be without you. Please forgive me for setting your soul free. I know it is the right thing to do, but to me it is one of the hardest things I shall ever do in this life of mine. You leave behind 3 woman that are very much a part of you. You were strong and we are strong like you mother. It is the Irish in us! You smiled all the time except when you were sick just like we do Momma. You were creative with what you had, so are we momma. You were loving to people, strangers and every stray animal you found and we are to momma. You are beautiful and look at your girls mom, we are to inside and out! So thank you mom we adore you and love you with all we have! Goodbye my dear, sweet, loving mother, goodbye. May your journey to heaven be swift and effortless, and may you feel our love with you always. See you soon! Your loving family!
Live with intention.
Walk to the edge.
Listen hard.
Practice wellness.
Play with abandon.
Laugh.
Choose with no regret.
Appreciate your friends.
Continue to learn.
Do what you love.
Live as if this is all there is.
- Mary Anne Radmacher