One Last Goodbye.....

Mom,
The day you died I kissed your face four times
After you died I held you close to me
I knew it would be the last time I held you for the rest of my life
You were so sick, in so much pain
That is no life
I know you were afraid to die
I hope you have found comfort
Do you remember how I held your hand and lay my head on your shoulder
Even at that moment I couldn't imagine life without you
People talk about broken hearts in songs or movies
Until that moment I had never known a true broken heart
Over and over I thought "How can I live without you?"
I watched you live, I watch you die
Every day I look up at the heavens
I know you're waiting for me
I miss you!
April 3, 2012...Never forgotten!

Letting Go

This past year 2011 has come and gone! Last time I posted anything or sat down to write was January 2011. Wow how crazy is that. But really when I honestly sit and look back, no regrets it couldn't have been done any other way. God's plan I guess.And we each have to follow that in our own way.


I have had yet another birthday, they come and go now. I am finally O.K. with that or I am finally becoming O.K. I am confident that next year it will all be an acceptable milestone to reach the age where life takes that turn. You are descending the final stretch in the road, where everything is so much more appreciated and honored then it was 30 or 40 years ago.Where you tend to just stop and appreciate everything and everybody that has touched your life in some way or the other. You learn to accept each moment as a learning experience and an occasion to grow. Something that 40 years ago I couldn't have done. 40 years ago was the time of taking everything for granted, of course there will be another tomorrow, of course or that doesn't or won't effect me, not at all. Today its now different, all so different. I now look at the world through "rose colored glasses" I guess you might say. I now think that it's not how you look at things but how you think of them that counts. It's all so different at this stage in my life. I have a more optimistic outlook on life. Things are changing and I am so much happier because of that. I can now recall very dark moments in my life where I was so pessimistic, so negative. Just another stage I had to go through to bring me to where I am at this given moment.

What I struggle with tremendously is letting go of my children. I remember when I was younger just wanting to have the perfect family, perfect husband and most perfect children imaginable. A reputable and honored desire and dream for any mother. Not rational at all, but I was younger, and the Capricorn is a very driven sign. Striving always for perfection for that need for everything to be just so. To be so called"perfect". I have always attempted to be in control at all times. Not in a bad way but in the sense that I wanted my household to run like a tight ship may we say. Everything has a place and everything is in it's place. Organizational queen. Unfortunately my children saw that and internalized it as well. I tend to beat myself up, I have always beat myself up over my mistakes, the mistakes of others, things that I couldn't control nor change, this behavior no longer has a place with me. I guess as Maya Angelou says, "when you know better, you do better." I now know that at that time in my life, I just didn't know better, I did the best that I could do at that point in my life. Very dark part of my life the, "oh my God I am not a perfect mother part!" It has been the roughest and hardest thing I have had to face in my life I think for me ever....just being able to let go and just be at peace with it. And now some 40 years later or so the peace has come!

 
Last night I had the opportunity to watch Oprah's Master Class, wonderful and inspiring series, Goldie Hawn was on, I have always just adored her. So intelligent, entertaining with a very playful personality. A favorite of mine and by what I hear is also Goldie Hawn's. An Ancient Myth, the story of Demeter the mother, letting go, and her message to mothers. And as the story goes the abduction of the beautiful Persephone is the reason behind the sweetness of Spring and the bitterness of Winter.One day this little girl of life and laughter, Persephone, was collecting flowers on the plain of Enna when the earth opened beneath her feet. Up from the gap rose Hades, grim God of the Underworld, and abducted her. And only Zeus the all seeing, knew what had happened.

Broken hearted, Demeter wandered the earth, her hair unbound, wailing into the wind, searching for her little daughter until - at last - Zeus told her what had happened.

Now Demeter was angry as well as heart broken! She demonstrated her rage by punishing the earth's inhabitants with fierce cold, bitter winds and an end to all fertility. Unless Persephone was returned, the earth would surely perish.

Finally Herakles the Hero went down to the kingdom of Hades to negotiate the return of Persephone. But, before she was released, the God of the Underworld tricked Persephone into eating six pomegranate seeds - thus she would always be connected to his realm.

For part of the year Persephone must stay in the Underworld and for part of the year she returns to her mother.

When Demeter and her daughter are together, the earth flourishes with vegetation, but, for four months of the year, when Persephone goes back to Hades, the earth is a barren realm.One important lesson from Demeter is not to place all of our life into our children. It's a trap that any mother can fall into, putting her talents of spontaneity, creativity, playfulness, wonder, curiosity, love of story and all that we call imagination into her children - forgetting that these belong also to her own inner child.

When her daughter is abducted, the loss causes Demeter to go into deep depression. A depression in which she ceases to bathe, ceases to eat, disguises her beauty, neglects her daily duties, denies her future and becomes self absorbed, angry, resentful and lost in torrents of incessant weeping.

If we hold on to our children too tightly, if we weave our lives totally around them, we are then at a loss when they mature and become independent. We can suffer very real and very deep pain. Like Demeter, our own inner child has been displaced onto our actual children.If we place all of our eggs into one basket, if a friend grows away from us, if we place all of our love into one partner and that relationship ends, we can be shattered until we realize that what has passed, has passed.We can't go back.
For everything there is a season.
And there is a time for letting go.

My Wishes For All My Family And Friends In 2011!

 Well it has been an amazing year may I say. Many surprises, a lot of laughter as well as a lot of tears. We have had a birth, our second grandchild, Landen Anthony. How blessed we are. Perfectly heavenly he is, a joy every single day. And to think God chose us to be his grandparents I am overwhelmed with thankfulness!

We have watched people near and dear to us move on to be with God! New friends have been made and old friends have been embraced closer yet to our hearts. I have personally made several people extremely angry and even more happy! LOL! Life moves on. We have all aged another year....booooo! Dear God the wrinkles! Yuc, yuc and more yuc. Well someone in my life has said..... (I am old and I can't remember who), that each wrinkle should be seen as a sign of wisdom and embraced. And when I find that person or remember who it was that said it, I am going to plot their demise. 99.9 % of it has been heavenly. My family I adore, good and bad they are family. Familia......Precious they are. Even when they are often holding tight to their differences in opinions. Each day is a gift and I am so thankful that I have received yet another 365 of them! So to begin the New Year I would like to share some wishes for friends and family for your coming year!


I wish you Health...
So you may enjoy each day in comfort.

I wish you the Love of friends and family...
And Peace within your heart.

I wish you the Beauty of nature...
That you may enjoy the work of God.

I wish you Wisdom to choose priorities...
For those things that really matter in life.

I wish you Generousity so you may share...
All good things that come to you.

I wish you Happiness and Joy...
And Blessings for the New Year.



I wish you the best of everything...
That you so well deserve.

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY!! MAY GOD LOOK DOWN UPON YOU AND BLESS EACH AND EVERY ONE!

Grandma…Nana..Mema!

However you say it, you don’t have to say it more than once to make a grandmother melt! You don’t have to look into those sweet little eyes and not say….whatever your little heart desires! (Bad grandma!) It’s OK, it’s good to be bad! Well in this grandma’s book it is! This little guy just does me in! I think he has us all hooked! What do you do in a case like this. I can’t run, can’t hide, I guess I have to just let myself fall head over heels! How do you resist I say.

Oh and don’t you know he has his grandpa oohing and awing…..now that’s bad! Mr Rough and Tough himself broke down into tears. You just don’t think the day will come and then it’s upon you. Your baby is having a baby. Flashbacks, memories, sadness over days gone by. Happiness over happier times when they where in your arms and just that little, Awwww! Sniff, sniff!

Love these 2 people just a little wee bit! Little bitty and a new little bitty. That’s her grandma’s name for her. She loves her some Grandma!

 Little Sir Landen has captured the hearts of the Riley household and that is more than fine with us. Cry until your hearts content, make big messes until you can’t make any more, Grandma’s got your covered itty bitty like nationwide…..I’m on your side little man!

Sir Landen Anthony Has Arrived!

Your day has finally arrived! More beautiful than anyone had ever imagined! September 15, 2010, at 5:18 PM you arrived. 5Lbs 9 oz. You are the most perfect baby boy ever. Your mommy is just a little busy loving you up so Mema has to post this one. Happy that she is to do that! Happier that you and your darling mom are healthy, happy and out of all danger. Mema can finally sleep a peaceful night! So here we are your first photos with many more to come! We thank God for you and we thank God for your mother!

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Hate Me Now…I Hope You Love Me Later!

But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not therefore: ye are of more value than many sparrows. [Luk 12:7]
Our Greatest Fear is not that We Are Inadequate,
but that We Are
Powerful Beyond Measure...
  It’s not hard to decipher what this post might be about just from the title. We have been having a vey rough time with our teen son, Mat. The baby in the family and showing it in every way. Not spoiled but just most of the time I would imagine! Not really very funny now that all hell has broke loose in our household. Mainly caused by this one little terror causing individual which I will so lovingly call, Mat!
  It’s amazing the extremes that one child who's being rebellious will go through in order to gain control of any given situation. There is screaming, cursing, displays of anger, more cursing, throwing, slamming, stomping, spitting and cursing, you are getting the cursing here right! That seems at this point a very large issue. At some points I am not sure if I have ever heard the F word used in as many combinations ever before as this child can use it in just one single sentence.
  “You are the meanest mother there ever was!” “”I hate you!” What makes individuals say these words to the ones they love the most? I guess sometimes we speak out of anger, but aren’t the most hurtful words spoken then? Thank God a mothers love is un touchable and unwavering.The longest moment in time I think is when you actually stop and think before you speak. You want to just blurt something awful out but something in your conscious says, that's just wrong, now wait a moment here. Speaking out of anger destroys the soul and the spirit. I will never say that I haven’t blurted out words that I haven’t then said, “oh my God did that just come out of my mouth?” Then later I would apologize because I know how absolutely hurtful I was being to another human being. I am not perfect, I will never be, I am human!!! I am not a perfect parent, but I am a good parent.
  You may hate me now Mat, but I sure hope you love me later. Our life is about choices. If you can make the choice to do wrong, you are also capable of making the choice to do that much good and more, not only for yourself but for others! If you can choose to disrespect me as your parent, I hope that one day you choose to respect me once again! Tough love is very hard and at times I think it is almost unbearable on a parents heart. But even worse I think, is watching a child that you would give your last breath to save, self destruct! As a mother I have questioned myself and my motives at times but I know it is what I have to do to get you to be the best individual you can be, and in that case I can stand just a little hatred. Someday you may stand in my shoes and I hope you will make the same choices that I have made, to do whatever it takes in one given moment to show your child what unconditional love really is!

"But somewhere along the line you changed you stopped being you you let people stick a finger in your face and tell you your no good and when things got hard you started looking for something to blame, like a big shadow. Let me tell you something you already know, The world aint all sunshine and rainbows its a very mean and nasty place and I dont care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it “You me or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life but it ain’t about how hard your hit, its about how hard you can get hit and keep movin forward, how much you can take and keep movin forward,thats how wining will start!"

COWARDS DO THAT AND THAT AIN'T YOU, YOUR BETTER THAN THAT! YOU ARE.....POWERFUL BEYOND MEASURE! MAKE A CHANGE...MAKE A STAND! MAKE A YOU THAT COMPARES TO NO OTHER! BE PROUD OF THE LIFE YOU ARE CREATING! NOTHING CAN STOP YOU OR WHAT YOU ARE CAPABLE OF....NOTHING EXCEPT FOR YOU! BE GREAT MATT, BE POWERFUL BEYOND MEASURE!

A Little Sanity For My Sometimes Insane Little World! How Fitting!

Quote of the Day:
Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both.
--Oscar Fingall O’Flahertie Wills Wilde

What To Do When Your Baby Is Having A Baby!

Panic! That is what you do! Well it’s what I have been doing! I have not posted a single post since Mother’s Day. I have been focused on Momma and baby. It’s all I see and all I know at this very moment. Well then I have also been enjoying my family and not blogging so much! Life is so very short and I think I loose to much when I am focused on posting and not on my priority...Family! So family it is! But this is something so near and dear to me. I had my reservations at first they are very young, but God has a plan! It has always been in his hands as it is now. I believe and have faith it will all come to be as it will be. Here they are momma, daddy and baby! So beautiful to me. Many things really were wearing hard on my heart about this whole situation at first, let me count the ways. I was angry, furious, upset, hurt, etc, etc, etc. I thought and I prayed and I thought and I prayed. The thoughts are what got me in the most trouble so I prayed again! Then there was this:
And this:
And finally this:
Then I think I felt overcome with the fact that my baby is having a baby and I just couldn’t have ever really liked the fact that she just wasn’t MY LITTLE GIRL any more. She just may be his! I really hate that I have to ever let my children go …but I do! There is something that a mother feels when they are about to leave the nest…empty and lost! She’s my 2nd best friend, how do I loose her now? So many things raced through my mind. Now I am just OK I guess with it. I have to be I don’t have a choice. And I am just going to be OK because she will always be my baby first!