On One Of The Saddest Days Of My Life…..Why I Have To Now Just Say Goodbye!

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle… Albert Einstein
On one of the most difficult days of my life, where is she to help me make this decision? No longer can I look to the person I call Mother. I realize that it’s her time now to be with God, still doesn’t make me any less madder than I am at her. On the other hand sadder than I am to loose her dear soul. That can only make sense to me right now. I just cannot feel any sadder than I do this very day! So very hard to say goodbye, so very hard to make that decision for another human life, especially the one you call Momma. This is why they say life is just not fair! And for all of us it can never be that way, that is why we call it life.
They say she’s had a massive stroke, the bleeding is so bad they cannot do anything else for her. Hours maybe days. I say you are just not telling me these things and that’s just not true. I need more time! Mother my birthday is in a few days! Now is not that time! In my heart I know these things are true, in my mind as a nurse I know the outlook is bad. But my mind says, it can’t be! It just can’t be now! It has to be fixed, because I am a fixer type person. I have to fix everything! But you know what, I can’t fix this! I JUST CAN’T FIX THIS! I have to make her understand how much she was loved, how much I adored her and everything she was, mother. How do I do that now? The tears make it worse. And there are many. My aching heart is so saddened and she is not even gone physically, but her spirit and her soul are gone! Only her being is her with us!
I am guilt ridden because I worked to much and wasn’t there for her enough. I am guilt ridden because I didn’t say I love you enough. I’m guilt ridden because even at my age we didn’t cuddle up enough. I’m guilt ridden because I wasn’t there at that very moment she may have needed me the very most and once again I was mad at something so very stupid she may have said or done! How stupid I am! How stupid I am!!!!! God forgive me for this! Of course when do you ever feel you have done all the right things at this moment. Regret and remorse, sadness and heartbreak. But as the saying goes.. choose with no regrets! How very difficult that is at any moment in life. Difficult is what makes life. God never said it would be easy this ride we call…Life!
So we now go on, we now say goodbye! My dearest mother, my sweet, sweet mother, a piece of my heart dies with you! I am so glad to have had you with me, so very sad to be without you. Please forgive me for setting your soul free. I know it is the right thing to do, but to me it is one of the hardest things I shall ever do in this life of mine. You leave behind 3 woman that are very much a part of you. You were strong and we are strong like you mother. It is the Irish in us! You smiled all the time except when you were sick just like we do Momma. You were creative with what you had, so are we momma. You were loving to people, strangers and every stray animal you found and we are to momma. You are beautiful and look at your girls mom, we are to inside and out! So thank you mom we adore you and love you with all we have! Goodbye my dear, sweet, loving mother, goodbye. May your journey to heaven be swift and effortless, and may you feel our love with you always. See you soon! Your loving family!
Live with intention.
Walk to the edge.
Listen hard.
Practice wellness.
Play with abandon.
Laugh.
Choose with no regret.
Appreciate your friends.
Continue to learn.
Do what you love.
Live as if this is all there is.
- Mary Anne Radmacher